WARNING in deep blue

When I am profoundly sad I enter my deep blue zone.  My thoughts are disturbing, tragic, sad.  My body physically is weak and I want to escape the world so I crave sleep.  Sometimes my deep blue is self inflicted, other times I am driven there then dropped off to take the long lonely walk back to me. 

This time I was driven there and locked in.  I tried the ultimate escape but I lost, or won??  depends on the day you ask the question. Certified.  I'm so so very sad.  I cry at empty thoughts.

Be sure you journal is their advice.  We want to lock you up and fix you little lost girl, we can help you find your way.  No thank you I don't want to inconvenience anyone, I cant stay here.  I have kids to care for a job i cant miss and who stays there if I'm not?  I don't want a hero, I don't need to be saved.  I can find my way alone I can heal me.  Thank you. I started this journey when I was 17. Aww daddy didnt love you?  Thats whats wrong with you!!  Notice a pattern?? YOU must be the one to break it!! 

Sometimes I want deep blue, I'm odd.  But ive never been this deep in to my deep blue, and I'm here alone.

dont judge or question just accept. 

Epiphany

If you are traveling with a small child or an infant, put your mask on first, then help the child.

read beyond the words to see

fwd fwd fwd fwd

got a fwd fwd fwd today

it said God doesn't take away things to punish you

He is merely opening your hands for a bigger blessing

I need two open hands to receive my blessings

I really need to set this bag of dog shit down

Release

I've been holding on so very tightly

afraid to let go

UNABLE to let go

scared of the unknown

afraid of the lonely

not wanting to have to walk alone

its like my hand is stuck in a jar

and I'm holding on to a ball, MY ball

I want the ball so badly I wont let it go

I have the ball

but the jar has me

If I just release my grasp

i would be free

I love my ball

but if i let it go i will be free...