Dear Sunday..

thank you for finally getting here! This past week was a tough one, way too long, way too cold. It was truly one hell of a wait for your return!

gotta blog

gotta put things right, where they should be and throw away things that shouldn't be.  I honestly thought I was done blogging, but as previously stated I sometimes react on impulse first initial reaction with out a thought to it what so ever.  I like to write, and I like to use this as one of my many avenues.  The keyboard was callin me and the last time I ignored a call, it left me.  I got to a point in life where the bottom would of been a climb up.  Then I heard it, a CD I found in my car, under the back seat I didn't even think would play.  I put it in my CD player to see what came out, from the speakers blared Kierra "Kiki" Sheard on of my favorite gospel singer, she sang to me S.N.A.P.  When you're dealin with depression, that means you're getting closer to your blessin.  So that must mean a have a blessing in store for me.  Its a struggle to make it back to right when theres so much wrong I still want to do.  But at the very least I know I'm loved blessed and fortunate.  I might not be on the right path yet, but at least I can now see it.

My only way out is through everything I'm running from.

Vindicated!!!!

Yesterday at work a little girl came into my line, I said hello to her as she stared up at me.  Ask the normal how you doing today to her father, and continued on with work.  The little girl kept starring up at me so I smiled at her, then she said...."you're beeww-ti-ful".  I smiled the rest of the day, I guess I wasn't looking like shit yesterday!  Ya'll know kids don't lie!

Fuck you very much

I get that today might not of been one of my "good" days, stress is like a brick to the face for me.  I can see it when I look in the mirror, but to be told "you look like shit" is kinda fucked up.  Thats what I was told today!! Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day, and if not then some day after that, hell.

Anon..

Its not a balloon I can't just let go.

Verbal Uzi

You cant begin to realize the restraint I practice when you talk shit to me.  All the things left unsaid that maybe should be.  Literally biting my bottom lip until I break the skin to stop my verbal attack on you.  I know lots of words, and I know how to use them well.  And I tend to mean, when you need to be put in your place I have something that needs to be said.  I'm not always fair and can be a bitch kinda rude, only if necessary.  All the things you've told me will may be held against you, your small dick complex insecurities, secrets I'm sure thats against the law of yours and others. Be grateful I bite my bottom lip, because I really do have so much that should be said.  But Ive been told more than once, if you have nothing nice to say, shut the fuck up say nothing at all, maybe its advice you'd better be wise to take as well.  

Li


yes, I do know you read this

I wish..

I wish i could take it all back
I wish i didn't have these lingering thoughts
I wish i didn't have to wonder just what you are doing now
I wish i didn't know inside
I wish you would of listened
I wish i didn't wish for you
I wish that i could stop this wishing and just say my last goodbye

Said I knew it was right, so I took the chance
Disregarded the challenge of the circumstance
Now you're to big a part of me to let you go I promise…
Despite the way that I make mistakes
And despite the direction this love may take
You can always be sure of me just have faith,
I got you … this much is true

-Ryan Leslie

Heavy

When the weight of the world seems to be bearing down on your shoulders, the weight crushing your very soul robbing you of your strength, hope and what few moments of joy you once owned, what do you do  What do you do??

co-workers

Ive been at my job for a while now and getting to know my co-workers and in return they get to know me better.  Its interesting to see how someone else sees me.  One ask me what color were my contact, I told her blue..they really are just tinted blue so if they fall in the sink I can find them.  She thought I wore colored contacts, my momma gave em to me.  I talked another co-worker into telling me what people say about me when I'm not around, she said nothing bad really, just that I have a sense of humor that some don't get and they don't know if I am serious or not....hmmm dumb asses.  I guess I have a bit of a dry sense of humor.  When my oldest comes into my job they all think she is my sister *grin*.  I tell them I was a preteen mom, it was hard but I did it!! They are surprised to find out I had her when I was 22.  They automatically assume I really was a teen mom, noooo!  I just got some kick ass genes and Clinique.  I don't look my age.  I try not to indulge in office chatter, keep folks names out my mouth and maybe they will return the favor, don't always work out for me.  One co-worker would always talk shit about the Filipinos to me, I would just listen, she did make valid observations, she doesn't whisper to me about the Filipinos now that she over heard me speaking in (very limited) Tagalog to one of em.  Another co-worker offers me part of her lunch then acts like I owe her something, she say shit like "aight I wont bring you lunch again" I'm like heffa when I ever ask you too?  I hate when people expect things of you because they gave to you, if you gonna give something do it with your heart and without expectations!!

I'm getting tired of where I work now.  Its time to move on.  I'm ready to pack up and leave, its been more than 3 years here, and I got that moving itch.

January 28, 2010 Libra

Old memories crowd your mind today. Perhaps a phone call or email brings up the past. In some way, you'll find yourself balanced between what has gone before and what you're striving to move toward. This could be an uncomfortable sensation, especially if you feel stretched between family expectations and your own goals, or if an issue with a loved one needs to be resolved. Think logically as well as emotionally.

If you know what this means, it was probably meant for you

I  Like/ Loathe/ Hate/ Despise/ Admire/ Miss/ Want/ See/ Remember/ Know/ Wish I knew you/Adore/ Still care about/ Want to Have/ Need/ Want to see/ Want to be with/ Wonder about/ Forgot/Cant live without/Never want to see/ Never cared about/ Still think about/ Just want/ Told you/Shouldn't have told/ Miss talking to/ Miss hanging out with/ Wore this for/ don't hate/ Wish I could forget/ Don't want to forget about   You  

I no longer sleep

I haven't slept for two good hours for days now.  I'm getting delirious with being tired.  My mind is on overdrive and its full of nothing and everything at the same time.  I need sleep...I need peace, a peaceful sleep.

Poor Impulse Control

I won't give up on you
These scars won't tear us apart
So don't give up on me
It's not too late for us
And I'll save you from yourself

Close your eyes
There's nothing we can do
But sleep in this bed that we made for ourselves
You're trapped in our past
Is there hope for us?
Can we make it out alive?
I can taste the failure on your lips

We'll play this symphony of sympathy
I won't give up on you