How about...

you take a ride on the shut-the-fuck-up-asurus!?

You know who the hell I mean, cause I know you are reading this.

I write to taste life twice, in the moment and in retrospection!

I need his therapy

He lays me on the couch and says
"how has your day been?
Tell me your problems;
I’ll help you solve them.
Come on let’s talk about it”
He sits next to me and smiles.
Listens to all of my words,
Relaxes all of my nerves.

-India.Arie, Therapy

I can, at least, admit..

Im a little crazy!!!

My horrorscope for today has me thinking really hard, it seems appropriate for where in life I am and the position I have put myself in...food for thought.

Someone is angling to take advantage of your soft heart and compassion for others, so be super careful with your money right now. Before you sign anything -- anything at all -- have someone you know and love look it over for you. And don't let your heart sway your mind. Your friendship is the best gift of all. You're too good to give away the one thing that makes you stand apart from the crowd.

He had to leave me early in the morning so I set the clock back.


It wasnt 3 am like the clock said, but it was 2 am.


The hour he thought he didnt have, he spent in me.

I want to write, I have so much to say but I cant release it, where did it go and why did it leave me and when will it return, there is so much in my mind I am afraid it will explode.......

I could scream at the shit he says to me!!!

how could you do nothing and say, i'm doing my best how could you take almost everything and then come back for the rest

As easily as you.

Night time yelling and cleaning out bugs

Im a nosey bitch. When it comes to my kids I allow them their privacy to an extent. I hate when people read my private thoughts so I do my best to respect others writings. My best isnt very good sometimes. I was lookin for my shit when I went through my middle daughters things, I found her journal. Most of it was sad songs she wrote, but one title stood out. My life sucks. There was a picture of a tornado and 6 little stick figures being thrown about by it. All the figures were labeled with our last name.



She wrote about how her father only calls to check and make sure Im not fucking around, that she feels he only calls for that reason. She wrote about the night time yelling and how his leaving was supposed to help our family, but hasn't. She went on to say how she didnt miss him being home because of the violence. My heart is heavy. What did we do to our kids and what effect will this have on their future and relationships?

Im done, no more. I cant continue to be punished for my bad behavior. I cant apologize or find a flux capacitor. I said I wanted no more. I said we are done. I said goodbye. I was there for the bad helping you fix it and make it better, now the shoes on the other foot and you dont like how it fits. Sucks to be hurt, man up and grow a pair.

He calls me Li

Ok part of me wants to work through my marriage the old fashion sweat and tears route, a do good man deserves a do good woman, right? So I shouldn't add men to the equation, to complicate things further, right? But I want what I want and I want it all damn it! I dont want to be caught but I want to do things and people I shouldnt. Im so confused and I have no self discipline. I had no intentions of finding another lover. He found me. He came after me and wore me down, not that it took much mind you. He is a customer, he comes to find me no matter where in the store I am. He said my name was too long and he just calls me Li, and I think I like it. He is military and damn damn damn! He is younger than me, not married (red flags yet?) But he makes me laugh, he is interesting to talk to. He knows I am married, I was joking with him when he ask for my number one day and showed him my wedding bands, telling him these rings have disappointed so many. I like how he looks at me while he waits in line for me, I like that he thinks I dont see him watching me, or maybe he does. One day he caught me going on my break, I dont walk slow so when I breezed by him telling a coworker I was on my way outside, he followed me. Asking if he could have my number yet, I explained I was married, through other casual conversations he knows my husband is stationed out of state. So I guess he didnt care and hoped I didnt either (that day I didnt). I have my cell phone my husband knows about and checks on a regular basis, then I have my prepaid piece of shit phone I hide at work when he is home. So I did give him my number that day. We text all the time and talk often, he says his day isnt complete until he sees me at work. Sometimes he waves from afar other times he will stop and talk to me for a bit. I shouldnt be opening this can of worms seeing I have a mess made already, but my goodness I want him!!

Employee of the Quarter

It was recently announced at work that I am the employee of the quarter, I got 100 dollars, a choice parking spot and my picture on the wall. I work retail, and most days I have on my happy to be here and serve you face. I have never worked retail before, nor have I ever had a job that earned so little money, but times are hard and I appreciate I have even this. I once saw a man with no feet and thought to myself damn poor fucker cant buy shoes. I like shoes. But I digress. At work I am willing to do what others wont, it makes you valuable. I wont call in nor will I turn off my phone to avoid calls into work. The bosses know my value and its not uncommon to fine me working in different departments of the store, four easily in one day. When someone needs someone its me they call. They know I will be willing and there with a smile on my face. To be nominated associate of the quarter you have to be nominated by employees and voted for by supervisors and managers. I was shy by two votes last quarter and I wansnt even at the job the first full quarter. I was so proud of myself when I told others the good news (ones that had been there for years and never even nominated) I found out what it means when someone says "they hatin on me" I honestly never knew its true meaning. I was snub, called an ass kisser, I was meet with cold and mean attitudes. But always with a smile on my face. You can only be rude to me for so long then my charm will win you back over. Yea im modest and shy like that. It felt good to be called up in front of everyone and given my award, it was nice to know I was nominated 5 times by supervisors I dont even work for. One offered my supervisor two of his employees for me. This is just a stopping spot for me in my life travels. When I was being interviewed the manager saw my past employment and wage and ask why I would want to work in retail for such little money, I explained the more I knew in life the better off I would be, so no matter my hourly wage its a learning experience, something new. I will never work retail again, its not that I dont like it, Im just meant for bigger and better things in life, I think.......

A Confession

I am not a perfect girl. I am human too and will fail you often. I dont have hair that stays in place. I dont always say the right things. you are blind. I dont have the body of a video girl. I am not calm, quiet nor reserved. i wont always love you. i am a hypocrite. i wont agree with you. i dont always want you to hold me. i wont make it easy on you. it hurts honestly. i dont want flowers or candy. irony loves me. double standards prevail. i dont want to hear you like me. im sorry. sometimes all i want is for you to hold me. i wont CHANGE for you. i dont believe in me. dont say that you love me to get on my good side. how can i be good to me when you wont be? all i ask is that you hug me, talk to me, be interested, be genuine. im not a princess nor do i aspire to be one. im a BITCH. im artistic. FUCK love. im shy. i hate/want/love you. Im sensitive. what i say goes. more than likely, i am smarter than you. dont lie to me. protect me. i dont care. chocolate is my weakness. i see right through you. i cry. no on cares.

Things I learned while standing on the bridge

1. My kids are my life and my priority. I live for them and put only them before me

2. I never forgave the first man that left me. "I stopped loving my father a long time ago. What remained was the slavery to a pattern."

3. I am a hypocrite, and I judged other hypocrites

4. I contradict my own actions and words

5. I am not a good person, I use others and discard them until they are needed again

6. I am selfish, dishonest and conniving

7. I am gullible and hard headed

8. I leap first and look second

9. I do love him but I am no longer in love with him

10. I want to be in love with him

11. I ran before I walked, now I am crawling

12. I want what I shouldn't

13. I don't fight fair, my tears are my most powerful weapon, and they are usually fake.

14. I'm aggressive, possessive and petty

15. I will throw you under the bus then help pick up the pieces

16. I am shameless

17. I DO have regrets.

18. He WAS NOT worth it.

19. I need to release all my secrets.

20. Just because no one reads what I write doesn't make it meaningless

21. I am broken

22. I can be fixed

23. There is a God

24. Life doesn't really suck that badly

25. Neither Sailor Jerry nor Jack Daniels are my friend

You know how I roll

I'm pissed at myself for getting emotionally attached to you.
Most of all, I despise the fact that I will continue to feel violated when I'm with him.
You know how I roll...
he'll never know how each stroke is like a dagger into my pussy
he'll never know how I want to push him off of me & run into the shower, wishing I could wash inside myself
he'll never know that the last man to be inside of me is still inside of me, as well as in my heart, in my mind and in my soul
he'll never know his touch makes me want to recoil because they aren't your hands
he'll never know that when I close my eyes, I pretend it is you kissing me, your tongue probing my mouth
he'll never know that my orgasms come from memories of you
he'll never know how I long to share my bed, my home, my life with you
he'll never know how hard I have to concentrate to keep from yelling out your name
he'll never know the tears I cry at night as he fucks me
he'll never know anymore than I want him to know...cuz that's how I roll.