What is your worth?

I was writing an email today, and like in most every other situation it hurled me into overthought.  Over the few years I have known him, I have transformed.  I havent known him long in life but I have allowed him in my crazy world.  He has seen sides of me few get the oppurtunity to see, they are the lucky ones.  There is this part of me I try to bury deep inside me.  A cynical jaded uncaring part.  I dont like that part of me, so I hide her.  She hasnt been fully unleashed for many years, its hard to reign her back in once she is out.  It has to be a solid 15 years since her full release.  Since then only small parts of her come out, I fear for others safety.  I turn into a self destructive bitch that will cut of her nose to spite her face, all to fuck you up.  And in the end if no one is standing including myself as well as my target, all is good.  Yea frightening.  But I digress.

After my email I began to question my worth.  How do you define ones worth?  Who defines ones worth?  What makes anyone of us worthy?  I think I once knew my worth.  I know this is not the place in life I belong, this isnt how I should look or how I should feel.  If we had stations in life I would currently be beneath mine.  I feel in my soul something great, somewhere I should be, I just have yet to get there.  Is it waiting for me?  or am I escaping it?  I will soon be moving to start over, again.  I dont know where my path will lead me, but its must be up, well at least thats where I am looking.  This last year has kicked my fucking ass.  Im on the journey back to me.  Im a lotus damn it, and its beyond time for me to bloom.

Island of alone

When I promise or choose to love, I will do so UNCONDITIONALLY. There nothing the person cant ask that I will not do, or at least try to do. There are literally no conditions, I got you, for real for real. But who does that??!!!! I will give you heart soul and mind.

Bag Lady

I don't sleep well.  I lay in bed toss and turn unable to find the all elusive peaceful sleep.  I have tried sleeping pills but its always a temporary fix.  I figured out I just have too shit on my mind, too much on my plate for one person.  I know I need to eliminate some things from my life, things that are too heavy to carry unnecessary.

Long time no write

I created another blog, one I don't have to be anonymous with, so I have neglected to write here.  So much has changed since the creation of this blog, it seems like it was another life time I started it, and in a sense it actually was.  I only wish I hadn't hastily deleted all my original posts.  Im not sure if anyone will even read this, but does that really matter?  Kind of sort of, not really. 

Things change, me, my status, my family structure.  I don't even know where I should start, or even if I should.  I wake up everyday without a plan, go to bed the same way.  Not the big long term shit, just the daily things.  I don't prepare for what might come, I just deal with it as it does.  I don't fall asleep checking off my list of what could be.  I don't wake up thinking my day will go well or badly.  One step one day, minute by minute.  I have given all my hope to my children, and with that only hope for them. 

This is my day to day so far.  Tomorrow may be better, or worse.  Lets see eh??

WARNING in deep blue

When I am profoundly sad I enter my deep blue zone.  My thoughts are disturbing, tragic, sad.  My body physically is weak and I want to escape the world so I crave sleep.  Sometimes my deep blue is self inflicted, other times I am driven there then dropped off to take the long lonely walk back to me. 

This time I was driven there and locked in.  I tried the ultimate escape but I lost, or won??  depends on the day you ask the question. Certified.  I'm so so very sad.  I cry at empty thoughts.

Be sure you journal is their advice.  We want to lock you up and fix you little lost girl, we can help you find your way.  No thank you I don't want to inconvenience anyone, I cant stay here.  I have kids to care for a job i cant miss and who stays there if I'm not?  I don't want a hero, I don't need to be saved.  I can find my way alone I can heal me.  Thank you. I started this journey when I was 17. Aww daddy didnt love you?  Thats whats wrong with you!!  Notice a pattern?? YOU must be the one to break it!! 

Sometimes I want deep blue, I'm odd.  But ive never been this deep in to my deep blue, and I'm here alone.

dont judge or question just accept. 

Epiphany

If you are traveling with a small child or an infant, put your mask on first, then help the child.

read beyond the words to see

fwd fwd fwd fwd

got a fwd fwd fwd today

it said God doesn't take away things to punish you

He is merely opening your hands for a bigger blessing

I need two open hands to receive my blessings

I really need to set this bag of dog shit down

Release

I've been holding on so very tightly

afraid to let go

UNABLE to let go

scared of the unknown

afraid of the lonely

not wanting to have to walk alone

its like my hand is stuck in a jar

and I'm holding on to a ball, MY ball

I want the ball so badly I wont let it go

I have the ball

but the jar has me

If I just release my grasp

i would be free

I love my ball

but if i let it go i will be free...

Everything

Tears for water

“Im a prisoner of words unsaid.

Just lonely feelings locked away in my head.

I try myself further everytime I stay quiet.

I should start to speak, but I stutter and stay quiet.

And now I’ve made my own hard bed inside this prison of words unsaid.”
 
-Alicia Keys
 
I refuse to hurt you with my words.  I can't allow myself to cause you any pain.  You will never realize how deeply I honestly do love you.  I am sorry but I no longer in love with you and I want my freedom from you, let me go.  Dont make me speak the words that will kill your heart.  Just go.  Please.....

10/11/10

It was suppose to be such a wonderful day.  It wasnt.  It was fucked up on so many levels.  Started with tears and ended the same damn way.  No better way to end the night but with a threesome..........Sailor Jerry, as well as Ben and Jerrry (funky monkey).  Can it get worse?  Seriously....can it get worse???

when I say I am ok, I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me really tight and say to me "I know that you are not".

shameless

i cannot name this
i cannot explain this
and i really don't want to
 just call me shameless
 i can't even slow this down
let alone stop this
and i keep looking around
 but i cannot top
 this if i had any sense 
i guess i'd fear this
 i guess i'd keep it down
 so no one would hear this
 i guess i'd shut my mouth
 and rethink a minute
 but i can't shut it now
 'cuz there's something in it

Oh. my.....

Libra

Don't be startled if you're attracting an awful lot of admiring attention now -- for at least the next couple of days, in fact. Your naturally sociable, charming sign will be even more able to lure new fans your way. Needless to say, it won't exactly be hellish for you to get through this.  In fact, one admirer in particular may let it be known that you're exactly who they've been looking for.

hello?!

Staring over, staring the journey back to me.  I never knew what finding yourself meant, but I am now trying to find me. I was told a long time ago the spark was gone from my eyes.  I want to find her again, the person that started everyday as if it were he last.  The carefree me.  I gonna have so much fun!!!!

Todays Libra

You might want to change your cell number or email address in order to get a little privacy and relaxation. Everyone knows that your parties are legendary, and they want on the guest list. At work, your bosses know full well that when it comes to getting people organized and motivated, you're the right person for the job. Though you adore being in such high demand, it's past time for you to reject at least a few of these requests, just to maintain your sanity

I am tried of people, I'm tired of being called in for those who aren't, I am tired of being the hostess, I'm tired of cooking!!!  I want to crawl under a rock and not exist for a day.

Fuckin Leo's

Literally (I crack myself up sometimes)
I like reading about astrology.  I like how your personality is based on the time of year you were born.  When realistically I think just about anyone can read any of the signs and relate to it.  I don't totally agree with it, its dam sure not my core belief, I don't start my day based on my horoscope, but I do find it kind of fascinating.  Sometimes its on point.  I was doing some reading today (I really need to find something more productive to do on my days off), and I found some interesting points about Leo (him) and Libra (me).


Anyone who is so lucky lucky?? to have a Leo in your life brace yourself, for the boss will become bossier in the coming weeks! And it aint gon stop (dont correct my shit, im being ghetto) But just as much as the lion or lioness is imperious, they are equally warm-spirited and very generous . . . and not just with their possessions but with their love, affection and loyalty. When a Leo loves, they do so with every fiber of their being and the beneficiary of such adoration will always feel safe and secure true true. To live in peace with such royalty, you must be loyal note to self google definition and attentive for if you waver you can stir up their possessive, controlling and over reactive tendencies. Thats so VERY true The lion/lioness are true rulers of their “jungle” and if their authority is ever, for one moment, challenged or questioned just stand by and be ready for damage control . . . don’t be foolish, you can’t beat a lion its own house. Where theres a will, theres a way Tread light. Excellent advice actually
On the flip-side, however, it’s best not to tamper with a Leo’s trust or feelings, they’re rather sensitive! Yes, sensitive. Understatement!  If you do, know that you’ve awakened a sleeping beast. When this astral sign feels, in any way, betrayed or violated or if you fuck someone else he/she will strike without mercy “the pounce of punishment,” if you will. Yeah, kinda sucks You can’t escape it. This sign can be vicious with words and follow it up with a crucial silent treatment that shows no signs of breaking. uh...fosho
The problem with Libra and Leo is that Leo in love matters forgets that they have a life too and they often make their lover their first priority almost in every thing... so dealing with libra for love is best way to not to get into them so much...and use balance tactic, talk when required and give as much space as you can and be very very clear. Libra has tendency to destroy leo ....and thats the practical fact. Only when there are no options left....Or some days just for fun. 


Libra women are most likely to marry Taurus and Libra men, and to divorce Leos. Although Leo is theoretically a compatible sign, Libra flirtatiousness and Leo’s need to be the center of attention may not always mix well in a romantic relationship Fact! This is why I read this shit. Libra women are least likely to divorce Libra men.
A clue to what just might be wrong with his ass! hmmmm?

I got carded for beer today!!! LOL

GA

It was my first time to Georgia.  I was reluctant to go.  I didn't want to make the long ass drive.  I cant imagine any place as home, but home.  Georgia was even further than home.  I'm heading south when I should be heading north!!!  To my surprise, I liked it, no loved it!  I guess a big part of my loving GA is due to the fact my daughter will soon leave me for it.

I see in GA beauty, its really pretty there, much more so than TX.  There are hills and valleys, no mountains but I cant always have it all.  I see me there, it felt comfortable, it felt like home to my nomad soul.  I see opportunity and change a fresh start.  IF I do move there I am not sure if I will continue to feel this way, I even have a new blog in mind "A northerns girl to surviving down south".  There are so many things there I noticed that aren't me, never really has been and nothing I want to be.  For instance it seemed as if every female was dressed for an impromptu video shoot. Heels, weave, make up dressed nice, EVERYWHERE I went.  Shopping for clothes or foods, at the car wash, at the fourth of July fire works show at the park walkin all through grass and shit!! Who does that?? Females in GA is who.  I most comfy in jeans and tshirt minimal make up if any at all, flip flops.  Also they all, well most, seemed to have this brash bader than you attitude.  They define the black stereotype.  Its kinda intimidating.  I dont know how well I would fit in.  My kids seemed to love the idea of moving.  I dont know what my future has in store for me, but GA is definitely now an option.  As long as I'm near a military base and have access to my Asian foods I can make a home anywhere!!

Road trip tips

• 14 hours is a long ass time
• drinking two 5 hour energy's will not give you ten hours of energy
• it will however make you shake like a crack head for about 3
• when the speed limit reads 70, that means its ok to go 80 to 85ish
• mini vans weren't built to go more than 90 MPH
• dogs sweat
• drive+determination+5hr energy+energy pills will kick tired and common sense's ass any day
• gotta piss will slaughter em both
• the little 5hr energy shots make me burp and piss like I drank a 40 (do they still make those?)
• TomTom is a dumb dumb should HAVE got the Garmin
• TomTom would give me a ETA and I would try to roll back the time by speeding, fun game at 4 in the morning
• Midnight is the best time to leave
• Wear fresh contact lenses
• When driving down a dark road TomTom hollerin at you will scare the shit out of you and the dog
• Invest in a kennel stay for puppy
• Still no speeding ticket
• Take quick naps on the straight always, hitting the bumps will wake you in time and you will be refreshed
• When you start seein shit that's not there, like a bicycle rider in the middle of the road, pull over for more energy
• That last turn into the drive way is like seeing the pearly gates open for you (I assume)
• When its raining to hard to see, get behind a 18 wheeler, follow at a safe distance (duh)
• if you extend the trucker courtesy to the truck drivers they will have your back, blink safe to move over, blink blink thanks, blink blink blink popo
• 14 hours is a long ass muthafuckin time

Alex

Its hurricane season!!! Yaay.  Its the very first one of the season and its headed towards my direction.  Lucky for me (a little) I wont be any where near the city!  I have prepared for Alex however.  I was advised to take pictures of all my valuables.  I took a pic of my kids and dog.  Im ready to leave this city if even for just a little while.