Libra

If you're feeling down in the dumps today, you just need to get out of bed and make something happen, regardless of your feelings. Events in the past are over and can't be changed. Everyone has to live with the consequences of their actions, and that can be difficult. But don't give in to any tendency to endow your regrets with more significance than they deserve. Melancholy people are only appealing in works of fiction.

TICK tock TICK tock

I know my fate.  I will be murdered.  I will die from the hands of someone who was suppose to be loving me.....

read beyond the words and see.

Sorry....

"Once upon a time, when gods and people existed together, people had four arms and four legs. They had two heads and two faces. They existed happily as they were, and grew more powerful as time went on. The gods decided that the humans were getting too powerful and needed to be put back into place somehow, so they cut the humans in half. Each human now had only two arms, two legs, one head, and one face. They had to spend the rest of their lives searching for their other half to make themselves whole again. It became the point of life."

You are what secures me, the night light that keeps the monsters away.The completion of the tedious book. The storyline to a perfect movie.It's more important than the ground I walk on, despite that floating feeling you always leave in my head and in my chest.Without you, I'd be a lesser version of myself.We're healing dry veins and fragile bones.We are everything.

I found my other half. Stupid decisions based on stupid decisions almost cost me my other half. Is it a perfect union? Hardly! But its a union created in perfection. He has my back and I have his. We seem to be weathering the storm and even things may never go smoothly, I can sleep at nights knowing he loves me. My heart is complete my soul is happy and I will truly regret hurting him, and I will leave him before I ever hurt him again. He is my breath. He is my strength. He completes me. I love him.

LOL!! oops

you making a point or just typin?

I write to make someone feel, it really doesn't matter what it is they feel, as long as they feel, ya dig?

txbaldman: I just read more of your blog. I think you have such a fucked up way of thinking. You dont know love. You dont want love. Im glad I didnt fall for you like I once loved you. You have no heart, no morals and lack the ability to be true. FUCK YOU

LOL ha ha nicca, werent you already dismissed?? Be gone, Im tired of you now.
*Smooches*

What if I died tomorrow....?

What unfinished business would you leave behind?

The dishes and laundry for sure. My novel.

What would you want to say to those you love?

That I may not of lived life to my best at all times, but I gave my best. I appreciated every moment with all of you and it could of never been enough time. Don't mourn my death, celebrate my life.

What would people remember you for?

My sense of humor, and finding something to laugh at no matter what. I love laughter and I know how to make people laugh.

Would you have regrets?

Id like to say no, because if I regretted anything then I would want to take it back, and if i could I wouldnt be on the path I am on now.  As rough as it was, it was pathed by so many good things too. 

Would you think you spent your time wisely?

Not always, but mostly, yes.  A day for each kid, a hug before bed, a kiss goodbye...

How many lives would you have help positively change?

At least 4.  I have taken part in rasing four good people. 

Would you have let your talents go to waste?

With nothing left behind printed in writing in a book, yes.

Would someone be inspired by your passing to seize the moment?

Yes, I have passed on my thirst for knowledge, my love of reading, and my love for the greater good. My kids would carry on with the dreams I left unfullfilled.

What and who would make you smile in the face of your death?

All the loved ones already gone. My grandmother and aunties. My children.

Crossroads

One road leads to what appears to be the Promised Land. Another road is shadowed by dark rain clouds. The third seems nonthreatening and calm. And the fourth road leads back to where you just came.
The fourth road should be instantly out your picture. You can’t turn back around even when you feel the decisions are too tough to handle. Going back brings you to a place with no progress and to a place that fills your mind with “what ifs?”.
Not having to worry about the fourth road doesn’t make your decision any easier. You still have no idea which way you should head. Other people can offer you advice but the reality is they don’t know which is best either. So where does the answer lie?
It lies within.
It comes from your heart and your guts. It’s the direction you’re draw to or pushed towards. It might be a road that you just want to explore more.
It may be the road that is full of pot holes and rain in the beginning. It doesn’t always have to be the path that’s sunny, full of flowers, and picturesque, because even those roads will have their rocky patches and need their fair share of rain.
The best road to take is the road that forces you to believe in yourself and forces you to keep hope close and tests your hope and belief along the way.

5 years of enhancement

enhance: to raise to a higher degree; intensify; magnify

What have a done in the past five year to enhance myself? Volunteer work. Lots of it. Not just giving out old clothes but my time. Its something I have always done and will continue to do(higher degree). I continue to educate myself on a daily basis, not a formal education, but learning all the same (higher degree). What good is a degree if its not being used? Smart is having a degree then actually using it. We move a lot so there are sacrifices that have to be made. Right when it seems like I'm on track, its time to pick up and move and start all over again. In the last five years Ive supported the enhancement of others. My children and husband. When he gets advanced, I get advanced (magnify) I was there helping him get to where he needed to be. When my daughter is picked to attend a exclusive school, 1 of only 100, I succeed (intensify). Personally myself, what have I done for me? Ive learned that success isn't measured by things, or the car you drive or the monetary amount in your bank account. Ive learned that all the things in life that are important, aren't things at all (higher degree). I could of easily gone back to the post office for three times the amount I make now, passed on a job that doubled my salary, but I like my job (intensify). I touch people daily, a smile, or kind word, I do my best to help others. Where I work there's lots of older lonely people that come in just to talk, and I listen as if they have the most fascinating things to say (magnify). Just think of all the things I can do in the next five year!!!

So yea I kinda really am so so smart Bubba. Congratulations are in order!

“He that cannot ask cannot live”

1. Why not me? I don't deserve it
2. Am I nice? I try to be, for the most part, yes
3. Am I doing what I really want to do? No
4. What am I grateful for? My children
5. What’s missing in my life? Love, respect, honesty
6. Am I honest? No
7. Do I listen to others? Yes
8. Do I work hard? Yes
9. Do I help others? Yes
10. What do I need to change about myself? A lot
11. Have I hurt others? Yes
12. Do I complain? I try not to
13. What’s next for me? ambiguity
14. Do I have fun? Yes
15. Have I seized opportunities? Yes
16. Do I care about others? Of course
17. Do I spend enough time with my family? No
18. Am I open-minded? Yes
19. Have I seen enough of the world? No
20. Do I judge others? Yes
21. Do I take risks? Yes
22. What is my purpose? To find my purpose
23. What is my biggest fear? Texas cockroaches and failing
24. How can I conquer that fear? Face on and a can of Raid
25. Do I thank people enough? Yes
26. Am I successful? In some areas yes, others not so much
27. What am I ashamed of? Being needy
28. Do I annoy others? Probably
29. What are my dreams? Security for my children
30. Am I positive? Some days
31. Am I negative? Some times
32. Is there an afterlife? I dont know
33. Does everything happen for a reason? Yes
34. What can I do to change the world? Be the change I want to see in others
35. What is the most foolish thing I’ve ever done? Cheated
36. Am I cheap? No
37. Am I greedy? Yes
38. Who do I love? My kids
39. Who do I want to meet? Jesus
40. Where do I want to go? Seattle
41. What am I most proud of? My thirst for knowledge
42. Do I care what others think about me? Yes
43. What are my talents? Painting pictures with words
44. Do I utilize those talents? Not enough
45. What makes me happy? Grey days and long naps, my kids
46. What makes me sad? Grey days, not getting what I want
47. What makes me angry? Being lied to
48. Am I satisfied with my appearance? No
49. Am I healthy? No
50. What was the toughest time in my life? Now
51. What was the easiest time in my life? 3 years ago
52. Am I selfish? Yes
53. What was the craziest thing I did? 3sum
54. What is the craziest thing I want to do? Go back to college
55. Do I procrastinate? I will answer this one later
56. What is my greatest regret? Hurting him
57. What has had the greatest impact on my life? Religion
58. Who has had the greatest impact on my life? My daughter
59. Do I stand up for myself? depends on the fight
60. Have I settled for mediocrity? yes
61. Do I hold grudges? Hell yea
62. Do I read enough? Yes
63. Do I listen to my heart? I cant always hear it
64. Do I donate enough to the less fortunate? Yes
65. Do I pray only when I want something? No
66. Do I constantly dwell on the past? Yes
67. Do I let other people’s negativity affect me? yes
68. Do I forgive myself? Im trying
69. When I help someone do I think “What’s in it for me”? No
70. Am I aware that someone always has it worse than me? yes
71. Do I smile more than I frown? Chea!
72. Do I surround myself with good people? I try
73. Do I take time out for myself? Yes
74. Do I ask enough questions? Too many sometime
75. What other questions do I have? What is the meaning of life? Where is found?

i cant escape you

the back and forth, the on and off
the 'don't call anymore'
the leaving, the wishing i had stayed
a self inflicted prison i can't escape
like if i did the memories would decay
say you feel nothing when you see me
say that where i walk ,flowers have grown
say that i rocked your world
just give me somethin'
give me somethin' i can put in stone....

Stuck on fucked up

I hate pain. I drink to dull the ache, but when I wake up the pain returns and I'm still drunk. Whats become of my life??? I'm doomed to repeat the same mistakes over and over again. Knowing the outcome will not change I am victim to my own lack of self control. Its like the movie ground hog day, where he relives the same day over and over again, until he gets it right. Am I putting myself in these situations so I can correct my behavior or action? (Jack is influencing my word flow). I'm watching myself crash and burn again, and I am not stirring clear or changing my course, Ive got a penchant for rocky terrain and dead ends. Should have is a place i sometimes frequent, yet they know my face better at i can't but if there's a wait, i will is close by and what if stays open late.

But please don't make the mistake of tyring to define me by trying to confine me

Bakit?

Bakit ayaw matulog ng mga bata sa tanghali? Alam ba nilang pag silang umibig eh hindi na sila makakatulog kahit gusto nila???

incredibly...

sad today, I think its cause of the weather, its so so very cold outside. I usually like the cold but this cold is touching my soul making me feel sad. Its almost as if I am mourning a loss I haven't lost. Make sense? To me either. I want to crawl back under my fluffy down comforter and sleep my day away trying my best to empty and dismiss thoughts, ghosts and memories. I hate when I sink into my deep blue moody moods.

This one IS for you

I would like to think you of all people would understand, even encourage me finding my way back on to the "right" path. You of all people wouldnt discourage me from doing "right". The IM's you left me were hard to follow for one. And some of the things you said were out of line, were we ever really "friends"? Or did we just fuck, and where the hell did love ever EVER enter the picture? True enough you were there for me when I needed someone to listen. I have no clue as to why you are pissed, I told you to give me space and time and you wont. I hope you dont feel as if I owe you anything, because if you do, you will never collect. Now, no more nasty IM's or phone calls, mmmK?

How about...

you take a ride on the shut-the-fuck-up-asurus!?

You know who the hell I mean, cause I know you are reading this.

I write to taste life twice, in the moment and in retrospection!

I need his therapy

He lays me on the couch and says
"how has your day been?
Tell me your problems;
I’ll help you solve them.
Come on let’s talk about it”
He sits next to me and smiles.
Listens to all of my words,
Relaxes all of my nerves.

-India.Arie, Therapy

I can, at least, admit..

Im a little crazy!!!

My horrorscope for today has me thinking really hard, it seems appropriate for where in life I am and the position I have put myself in...food for thought.

Someone is angling to take advantage of your soft heart and compassion for others, so be super careful with your money right now. Before you sign anything -- anything at all -- have someone you know and love look it over for you. And don't let your heart sway your mind. Your friendship is the best gift of all. You're too good to give away the one thing that makes you stand apart from the crowd.

He had to leave me early in the morning so I set the clock back.


It wasnt 3 am like the clock said, but it was 2 am.


The hour he thought he didnt have, he spent in me.

I want to write, I have so much to say but I cant release it, where did it go and why did it leave me and when will it return, there is so much in my mind I am afraid it will explode.......

I could scream at the shit he says to me!!!

how could you do nothing and say, i'm doing my best how could you take almost everything and then come back for the rest

As easily as you.

Night time yelling and cleaning out bugs

Im a nosey bitch. When it comes to my kids I allow them their privacy to an extent. I hate when people read my private thoughts so I do my best to respect others writings. My best isnt very good sometimes. I was lookin for my shit when I went through my middle daughters things, I found her journal. Most of it was sad songs she wrote, but one title stood out. My life sucks. There was a picture of a tornado and 6 little stick figures being thrown about by it. All the figures were labeled with our last name.



She wrote about how her father only calls to check and make sure Im not fucking around, that she feels he only calls for that reason. She wrote about the night time yelling and how his leaving was supposed to help our family, but hasn't. She went on to say how she didnt miss him being home because of the violence. My heart is heavy. What did we do to our kids and what effect will this have on their future and relationships?

Im done, no more. I cant continue to be punished for my bad behavior. I cant apologize or find a flux capacitor. I said I wanted no more. I said we are done. I said goodbye. I was there for the bad helping you fix it and make it better, now the shoes on the other foot and you dont like how it fits. Sucks to be hurt, man up and grow a pair.

He calls me Li

Ok part of me wants to work through my marriage the old fashion sweat and tears route, a do good man deserves a do good woman, right? So I shouldn't add men to the equation, to complicate things further, right? But I want what I want and I want it all damn it! I dont want to be caught but I want to do things and people I shouldnt. Im so confused and I have no self discipline. I had no intentions of finding another lover. He found me. He came after me and wore me down, not that it took much mind you. He is a customer, he comes to find me no matter where in the store I am. He said my name was too long and he just calls me Li, and I think I like it. He is military and damn damn damn! He is younger than me, not married (red flags yet?) But he makes me laugh, he is interesting to talk to. He knows I am married, I was joking with him when he ask for my number one day and showed him my wedding bands, telling him these rings have disappointed so many. I like how he looks at me while he waits in line for me, I like that he thinks I dont see him watching me, or maybe he does. One day he caught me going on my break, I dont walk slow so when I breezed by him telling a coworker I was on my way outside, he followed me. Asking if he could have my number yet, I explained I was married, through other casual conversations he knows my husband is stationed out of state. So I guess he didnt care and hoped I didnt either (that day I didnt). I have my cell phone my husband knows about and checks on a regular basis, then I have my prepaid piece of shit phone I hide at work when he is home. So I did give him my number that day. We text all the time and talk often, he says his day isnt complete until he sees me at work. Sometimes he waves from afar other times he will stop and talk to me for a bit. I shouldnt be opening this can of worms seeing I have a mess made already, but my goodness I want him!!

Employee of the Quarter

It was recently announced at work that I am the employee of the quarter, I got 100 dollars, a choice parking spot and my picture on the wall. I work retail, and most days I have on my happy to be here and serve you face. I have never worked retail before, nor have I ever had a job that earned so little money, but times are hard and I appreciate I have even this. I once saw a man with no feet and thought to myself damn poor fucker cant buy shoes. I like shoes. But I digress. At work I am willing to do what others wont, it makes you valuable. I wont call in nor will I turn off my phone to avoid calls into work. The bosses know my value and its not uncommon to fine me working in different departments of the store, four easily in one day. When someone needs someone its me they call. They know I will be willing and there with a smile on my face. To be nominated associate of the quarter you have to be nominated by employees and voted for by supervisors and managers. I was shy by two votes last quarter and I wansnt even at the job the first full quarter. I was so proud of myself when I told others the good news (ones that had been there for years and never even nominated) I found out what it means when someone says "they hatin on me" I honestly never knew its true meaning. I was snub, called an ass kisser, I was meet with cold and mean attitudes. But always with a smile on my face. You can only be rude to me for so long then my charm will win you back over. Yea im modest and shy like that. It felt good to be called up in front of everyone and given my award, it was nice to know I was nominated 5 times by supervisors I dont even work for. One offered my supervisor two of his employees for me. This is just a stopping spot for me in my life travels. When I was being interviewed the manager saw my past employment and wage and ask why I would want to work in retail for such little money, I explained the more I knew in life the better off I would be, so no matter my hourly wage its a learning experience, something new. I will never work retail again, its not that I dont like it, Im just meant for bigger and better things in life, I think.......

A Confession

I am not a perfect girl. I am human too and will fail you often. I dont have hair that stays in place. I dont always say the right things. you are blind. I dont have the body of a video girl. I am not calm, quiet nor reserved. i wont always love you. i am a hypocrite. i wont agree with you. i dont always want you to hold me. i wont make it easy on you. it hurts honestly. i dont want flowers or candy. irony loves me. double standards prevail. i dont want to hear you like me. im sorry. sometimes all i want is for you to hold me. i wont CHANGE for you. i dont believe in me. dont say that you love me to get on my good side. how can i be good to me when you wont be? all i ask is that you hug me, talk to me, be interested, be genuine. im not a princess nor do i aspire to be one. im a BITCH. im artistic. FUCK love. im shy. i hate/want/love you. Im sensitive. what i say goes. more than likely, i am smarter than you. dont lie to me. protect me. i dont care. chocolate is my weakness. i see right through you. i cry. no on cares.

Things I learned while standing on the bridge

1. My kids are my life and my priority. I live for them and put only them before me

2. I never forgave the first man that left me. "I stopped loving my father a long time ago. What remained was the slavery to a pattern."

3. I am a hypocrite, and I judged other hypocrites

4. I contradict my own actions and words

5. I am not a good person, I use others and discard them until they are needed again

6. I am selfish, dishonest and conniving

7. I am gullible and hard headed

8. I leap first and look second

9. I do love him but I am no longer in love with him

10. I want to be in love with him

11. I ran before I walked, now I am crawling

12. I want what I shouldn't

13. I don't fight fair, my tears are my most powerful weapon, and they are usually fake.

14. I'm aggressive, possessive and petty

15. I will throw you under the bus then help pick up the pieces

16. I am shameless

17. I DO have regrets.

18. He WAS NOT worth it.

19. I need to release all my secrets.

20. Just because no one reads what I write doesn't make it meaningless

21. I am broken

22. I can be fixed

23. There is a God

24. Life doesn't really suck that badly

25. Neither Sailor Jerry nor Jack Daniels are my friend

You know how I roll

I'm pissed at myself for getting emotionally attached to you.
Most of all, I despise the fact that I will continue to feel violated when I'm with him.
You know how I roll...
he'll never know how each stroke is like a dagger into my pussy
he'll never know how I want to push him off of me & run into the shower, wishing I could wash inside myself
he'll never know that the last man to be inside of me is still inside of me, as well as in my heart, in my mind and in my soul
he'll never know his touch makes me want to recoil because they aren't your hands
he'll never know that when I close my eyes, I pretend it is you kissing me, your tongue probing my mouth
he'll never know that my orgasms come from memories of you
he'll never know how I long to share my bed, my home, my life with you
he'll never know how hard I have to concentrate to keep from yelling out your name
he'll never know the tears I cry at night as he fucks me
he'll never know anymore than I want him to know...cuz that's how I roll.

You're not a judge but if you're gonna judge me
Well, sentence me to another life.
Don't wanna hear your sad songs.
Don't wanna feel your pain.
The same tricks, that once fooled me.
They won't get you anywhere.
If I'm a bad person, you don't like me
Well, I guess I'll make my own way.

And I run with sissors...

What to do what to do. *sigh*

Its a confusing thoughtfull day today, I feel it coming. Lost in all my thoughts trying to find a way into the clearing of my cluttered mind. I cant live in the past but Im not allowed to move from it. I have regrets I dont regret. I made mistakes I would make all over again given the chance. I wouldnt change a thing but I cant get change now? I have my faults and I dont want them to change. Cake with a scoop of ice cream sprinkled with hypocrisy please, thank you.

Trust vs Fidelity

Ive been inspired to write....

Long day longer week and some of the longest months. Ive been getting help to untangle the tagled web Ive weaved. So my desire to write has been there. But a comment on my last post got me to thinking, on a level I havent lately.

Doomed? Is my relationship doomed from lack of trust? I trust my husband. I trust I will never be his only one. Its something I accepted years ago. I told myself I was taking the higher ground by not allowing him to lie to me. But why did I accept his cheating? Because I said I do. Someone once told me my thinking was way out side the box. Not many can follow my turbulant train of thought. Is a cheating man better than no man? I can do bad all by myself...blah blah blah. Its love true, real love, unbreakable broken love. Whats fuckin got to do with it?

Am I building my house of divore slowly brick by painful brick? Will one day I awake and decide, NO MORE! Or maybe he will? Lock me in his cage of mistrust, watch and track my every move while he moves about freely? I told my husband if he no longer wants me to go find his happiness if he does it will be painful but acceptable at the same time. I wont fight for you to stay. The front door, back door, doggie door and window are all open. I told him take the time to find someone that suites you better than me and if you do, so be it, and if not....I am here waiting. Backward? Makes no damn senes? Whats wrong with me?? LOL I dont know.

I know whats in my heart and mind. I know what I want even if its bad for me. I know which battle to fight and which battles to lay down and play dead. My marriage is not doomed, not today, not tomorrow, not next week. Whats to come in the years to come? I dont know but what I do know is I will still be by his side going through it all.

Thank you and good night........judge freely!

BUSTED!!!!

I deleted all my posts because I was afraid they would be found.
Found by my husband who found an email who was to a man I fucked.
Silly me.
Now that the cat is out the bag and kicking my ass I still have things to hide.
Hide the preacher.
Hide the "real" email account.
Hide all the things I was reallying doing.

Hello (husband) Pot, nice to meet you I am kettle (me).

He says:
Bad bad wife! How dare you!?

I say:
Look in the mirror and ask yourself the same things you ask of me.

Give me a dollar for every bitch youve fucked since me, and I will give you my dollar for fucking around on you. Then lets to go to the dollar store and see who gets more shit! He says it only counts if you get caught, only once for me.

Round and around running from/at the same problems never finding the solution.

I ask do you love me?
He says yes.

He ask if I love him
I say yes.

Through the good through the bad? Thick or thin? Broke or boker?
Love me like you have no options.
Love me like I am your very breath that gives you life.
Love me when Im good and love me even more when I am bad.
UNCONDITIONALLY.