Libra

If you're feeling down in the dumps today, you just need to get out of bed and make something happen, regardless of your feelings. Events in the past are over and can't be changed. Everyone has to live with the consequences of their actions, and that can be difficult. But don't give in to any tendency to endow your regrets with more significance than they deserve. Melancholy people are only appealing in works of fiction.

TICK tock TICK tock

I know my fate.  I will be murdered.  I will die from the hands of someone who was suppose to be loving me.....

read beyond the words and see.

Sorry....

"Once upon a time, when gods and people existed together, people had four arms and four legs. They had two heads and two faces. They existed happily as they were, and grew more powerful as time went on. The gods decided that the humans were getting too powerful and needed to be put back into place somehow, so they cut the humans in half. Each human now had only two arms, two legs, one head, and one face. They had to spend the rest of their lives searching for their other half to make themselves whole again. It became the point of life."

You are what secures me, the night light that keeps the monsters away.The completion of the tedious book. The storyline to a perfect movie.It's more important than the ground I walk on, despite that floating feeling you always leave in my head and in my chest.Without you, I'd be a lesser version of myself.We're healing dry veins and fragile bones.We are everything.

I found my other half. Stupid decisions based on stupid decisions almost cost me my other half. Is it a perfect union? Hardly! But its a union created in perfection. He has my back and I have his. We seem to be weathering the storm and even things may never go smoothly, I can sleep at nights knowing he loves me. My heart is complete my soul is happy and I will truly regret hurting him, and I will leave him before I ever hurt him again. He is my breath. He is my strength. He completes me. I love him.

LOL!! oops

you making a point or just typin?

I write to make someone feel, it really doesn't matter what it is they feel, as long as they feel, ya dig?

txbaldman: I just read more of your blog. I think you have such a fucked up way of thinking. You dont know love. You dont want love. Im glad I didnt fall for you like I once loved you. You have no heart, no morals and lack the ability to be true. FUCK YOU

LOL ha ha nicca, werent you already dismissed?? Be gone, Im tired of you now.
*Smooches*

What if I died tomorrow....?

What unfinished business would you leave behind?

The dishes and laundry for sure. My novel.

What would you want to say to those you love?

That I may not of lived life to my best at all times, but I gave my best. I appreciated every moment with all of you and it could of never been enough time. Don't mourn my death, celebrate my life.

What would people remember you for?

My sense of humor, and finding something to laugh at no matter what. I love laughter and I know how to make people laugh.

Would you have regrets?

Id like to say no, because if I regretted anything then I would want to take it back, and if i could I wouldnt be on the path I am on now.  As rough as it was, it was pathed by so many good things too. 

Would you think you spent your time wisely?

Not always, but mostly, yes.  A day for each kid, a hug before bed, a kiss goodbye...

How many lives would you have help positively change?

At least 4.  I have taken part in rasing four good people. 

Would you have let your talents go to waste?

With nothing left behind printed in writing in a book, yes.

Would someone be inspired by your passing to seize the moment?

Yes, I have passed on my thirst for knowledge, my love of reading, and my love for the greater good. My kids would carry on with the dreams I left unfullfilled.

What and who would make you smile in the face of your death?

All the loved ones already gone. My grandmother and aunties. My children.

Crossroads

One road leads to what appears to be the Promised Land. Another road is shadowed by dark rain clouds. The third seems nonthreatening and calm. And the fourth road leads back to where you just came.
The fourth road should be instantly out your picture. You can’t turn back around even when you feel the decisions are too tough to handle. Going back brings you to a place with no progress and to a place that fills your mind with “what ifs?”.
Not having to worry about the fourth road doesn’t make your decision any easier. You still have no idea which way you should head. Other people can offer you advice but the reality is they don’t know which is best either. So where does the answer lie?
It lies within.
It comes from your heart and your guts. It’s the direction you’re draw to or pushed towards. It might be a road that you just want to explore more.
It may be the road that is full of pot holes and rain in the beginning. It doesn’t always have to be the path that’s sunny, full of flowers, and picturesque, because even those roads will have their rocky patches and need their fair share of rain.
The best road to take is the road that forces you to believe in yourself and forces you to keep hope close and tests your hope and belief along the way.

5 years of enhancement

enhance: to raise to a higher degree; intensify; magnify

What have a done in the past five year to enhance myself? Volunteer work. Lots of it. Not just giving out old clothes but my time. Its something I have always done and will continue to do(higher degree). I continue to educate myself on a daily basis, not a formal education, but learning all the same (higher degree). What good is a degree if its not being used? Smart is having a degree then actually using it. We move a lot so there are sacrifices that have to be made. Right when it seems like I'm on track, its time to pick up and move and start all over again. In the last five years Ive supported the enhancement of others. My children and husband. When he gets advanced, I get advanced (magnify) I was there helping him get to where he needed to be. When my daughter is picked to attend a exclusive school, 1 of only 100, I succeed (intensify). Personally myself, what have I done for me? Ive learned that success isn't measured by things, or the car you drive or the monetary amount in your bank account. Ive learned that all the things in life that are important, aren't things at all (higher degree). I could of easily gone back to the post office for three times the amount I make now, passed on a job that doubled my salary, but I like my job (intensify). I touch people daily, a smile, or kind word, I do my best to help others. Where I work there's lots of older lonely people that come in just to talk, and I listen as if they have the most fascinating things to say (magnify). Just think of all the things I can do in the next five year!!!

So yea I kinda really am so so smart Bubba. Congratulations are in order!

“He that cannot ask cannot live”

1. Why not me? I don't deserve it
2. Am I nice? I try to be, for the most part, yes
3. Am I doing what I really want to do? No
4. What am I grateful for? My children
5. What’s missing in my life? Love, respect, honesty
6. Am I honest? No
7. Do I listen to others? Yes
8. Do I work hard? Yes
9. Do I help others? Yes
10. What do I need to change about myself? A lot
11. Have I hurt others? Yes
12. Do I complain? I try not to
13. What’s next for me? ambiguity
14. Do I have fun? Yes
15. Have I seized opportunities? Yes
16. Do I care about others? Of course
17. Do I spend enough time with my family? No
18. Am I open-minded? Yes
19. Have I seen enough of the world? No
20. Do I judge others? Yes
21. Do I take risks? Yes
22. What is my purpose? To find my purpose
23. What is my biggest fear? Texas cockroaches and failing
24. How can I conquer that fear? Face on and a can of Raid
25. Do I thank people enough? Yes
26. Am I successful? In some areas yes, others not so much
27. What am I ashamed of? Being needy
28. Do I annoy others? Probably
29. What are my dreams? Security for my children
30. Am I positive? Some days
31. Am I negative? Some times
32. Is there an afterlife? I dont know
33. Does everything happen for a reason? Yes
34. What can I do to change the world? Be the change I want to see in others
35. What is the most foolish thing I’ve ever done? Cheated
36. Am I cheap? No
37. Am I greedy? Yes
38. Who do I love? My kids
39. Who do I want to meet? Jesus
40. Where do I want to go? Seattle
41. What am I most proud of? My thirst for knowledge
42. Do I care what others think about me? Yes
43. What are my talents? Painting pictures with words
44. Do I utilize those talents? Not enough
45. What makes me happy? Grey days and long naps, my kids
46. What makes me sad? Grey days, not getting what I want
47. What makes me angry? Being lied to
48. Am I satisfied with my appearance? No
49. Am I healthy? No
50. What was the toughest time in my life? Now
51. What was the easiest time in my life? 3 years ago
52. Am I selfish? Yes
53. What was the craziest thing I did? 3sum
54. What is the craziest thing I want to do? Go back to college
55. Do I procrastinate? I will answer this one later
56. What is my greatest regret? Hurting him
57. What has had the greatest impact on my life? Religion
58. Who has had the greatest impact on my life? My daughter
59. Do I stand up for myself? depends on the fight
60. Have I settled for mediocrity? yes
61. Do I hold grudges? Hell yea
62. Do I read enough? Yes
63. Do I listen to my heart? I cant always hear it
64. Do I donate enough to the less fortunate? Yes
65. Do I pray only when I want something? No
66. Do I constantly dwell on the past? Yes
67. Do I let other people’s negativity affect me? yes
68. Do I forgive myself? Im trying
69. When I help someone do I think “What’s in it for me”? No
70. Am I aware that someone always has it worse than me? yes
71. Do I smile more than I frown? Chea!
72. Do I surround myself with good people? I try
73. Do I take time out for myself? Yes
74. Do I ask enough questions? Too many sometime
75. What other questions do I have? What is the meaning of life? Where is found?

i cant escape you

the back and forth, the on and off
the 'don't call anymore'
the leaving, the wishing i had stayed
a self inflicted prison i can't escape
like if i did the memories would decay
say you feel nothing when you see me
say that where i walk ,flowers have grown
say that i rocked your world
just give me somethin'
give me somethin' i can put in stone....

Stuck on fucked up

I hate pain. I drink to dull the ache, but when I wake up the pain returns and I'm still drunk. Whats become of my life??? I'm doomed to repeat the same mistakes over and over again. Knowing the outcome will not change I am victim to my own lack of self control. Its like the movie ground hog day, where he relives the same day over and over again, until he gets it right. Am I putting myself in these situations so I can correct my behavior or action? (Jack is influencing my word flow). I'm watching myself crash and burn again, and I am not stirring clear or changing my course, Ive got a penchant for rocky terrain and dead ends. Should have is a place i sometimes frequent, yet they know my face better at i can't but if there's a wait, i will is close by and what if stays open late.

But please don't make the mistake of tyring to define me by trying to confine me

Bakit?

Bakit ayaw matulog ng mga bata sa tanghali? Alam ba nilang pag silang umibig eh hindi na sila makakatulog kahit gusto nila???

incredibly...

sad today, I think its cause of the weather, its so so very cold outside. I usually like the cold but this cold is touching my soul making me feel sad. Its almost as if I am mourning a loss I haven't lost. Make sense? To me either. I want to crawl back under my fluffy down comforter and sleep my day away trying my best to empty and dismiss thoughts, ghosts and memories. I hate when I sink into my deep blue moody moods.

This one IS for you

I would like to think you of all people would understand, even encourage me finding my way back on to the "right" path. You of all people wouldnt discourage me from doing "right". The IM's you left me were hard to follow for one. And some of the things you said were out of line, were we ever really "friends"? Or did we just fuck, and where the hell did love ever EVER enter the picture? True enough you were there for me when I needed someone to listen. I have no clue as to why you are pissed, I told you to give me space and time and you wont. I hope you dont feel as if I owe you anything, because if you do, you will never collect. Now, no more nasty IM's or phone calls, mmmK?