I was writing an email today, and like in most every other situation it hurled me into overthought. Over the few years I have known him, I have transformed. I havent known him long in life but I have allowed him in my crazy world. He has seen sides of me few get the oppurtunity to see, they are the lucky ones. There is this part of me I try to bury deep inside me. A cynical jaded uncaring part. I dont like that part of me, so I hide her. She hasnt been fully unleashed for many years, its hard to reign her back in once she is out. It has to be a solid 15 years since her full release. Since then only small parts of her come out, I fear for others safety. I turn into a self destructive bitch that will cut of her nose to spite her face, all to fuck you up. And in the end if no one is standing including myself as well as my target, all is good. Yea frightening. But I digress.
After my email I began to question my worth. How do you define ones worth? Who defines ones worth? What makes anyone of us worthy? I think I once knew my worth. I know this is not the place in life I belong, this isnt how I should look or how I should feel. If we had stations in life I would currently be beneath mine. I feel in my soul something great, somewhere I should be, I just have yet to get there. Is it waiting for me? or am I escaping it? I will soon be moving to start over, again. I dont know where my path will lead me, but its must be up, well at least thats where I am looking. This last year has kicked my fucking ass. Im on the journey back to me. Im a lotus damn it, and its beyond time for me to bloom.
