What is your worth?

I was writing an email today, and like in most every other situation it hurled me into overthought.  Over the few years I have known him, I have transformed.  I havent known him long in life but I have allowed him in my crazy world.  He has seen sides of me few get the oppurtunity to see, they are the lucky ones.  There is this part of me I try to bury deep inside me.  A cynical jaded uncaring part.  I dont like that part of me, so I hide her.  She hasnt been fully unleashed for many years, its hard to reign her back in once she is out.  It has to be a solid 15 years since her full release.  Since then only small parts of her come out, I fear for others safety.  I turn into a self destructive bitch that will cut of her nose to spite her face, all to fuck you up.  And in the end if no one is standing including myself as well as my target, all is good.  Yea frightening.  But I digress.

After my email I began to question my worth.  How do you define ones worth?  Who defines ones worth?  What makes anyone of us worthy?  I think I once knew my worth.  I know this is not the place in life I belong, this isnt how I should look or how I should feel.  If we had stations in life I would currently be beneath mine.  I feel in my soul something great, somewhere I should be, I just have yet to get there.  Is it waiting for me?  or am I escaping it?  I will soon be moving to start over, again.  I dont know where my path will lead me, but its must be up, well at least thats where I am looking.  This last year has kicked my fucking ass.  Im on the journey back to me.  Im a lotus damn it, and its beyond time for me to bloom.

Island of alone

When I promise or choose to love, I will do so UNCONDITIONALLY. There nothing the person cant ask that I will not do, or at least try to do. There are literally no conditions, I got you, for real for real. But who does that??!!!! I will give you heart soul and mind.

Bag Lady

I don't sleep well.  I lay in bed toss and turn unable to find the all elusive peaceful sleep.  I have tried sleeping pills but its always a temporary fix.  I figured out I just have too shit on my mind, too much on my plate for one person.  I know I need to eliminate some things from my life, things that are too heavy to carry unnecessary.

Long time no write

I created another blog, one I don't have to be anonymous with, so I have neglected to write here.  So much has changed since the creation of this blog, it seems like it was another life time I started it, and in a sense it actually was.  I only wish I hadn't hastily deleted all my original posts.  Im not sure if anyone will even read this, but does that really matter?  Kind of sort of, not really. 

Things change, me, my status, my family structure.  I don't even know where I should start, or even if I should.  I wake up everyday without a plan, go to bed the same way.  Not the big long term shit, just the daily things.  I don't prepare for what might come, I just deal with it as it does.  I don't fall asleep checking off my list of what could be.  I don't wake up thinking my day will go well or badly.  One step one day, minute by minute.  I have given all my hope to my children, and with that only hope for them. 

This is my day to day so far.  Tomorrow may be better, or worse.  Lets see eh??

WARNING in deep blue

When I am profoundly sad I enter my deep blue zone.  My thoughts are disturbing, tragic, sad.  My body physically is weak and I want to escape the world so I crave sleep.  Sometimes my deep blue is self inflicted, other times I am driven there then dropped off to take the long lonely walk back to me. 

This time I was driven there and locked in.  I tried the ultimate escape but I lost, or won??  depends on the day you ask the question. Certified.  I'm so so very sad.  I cry at empty thoughts.

Be sure you journal is their advice.  We want to lock you up and fix you little lost girl, we can help you find your way.  No thank you I don't want to inconvenience anyone, I cant stay here.  I have kids to care for a job i cant miss and who stays there if I'm not?  I don't want a hero, I don't need to be saved.  I can find my way alone I can heal me.  Thank you. I started this journey when I was 17. Aww daddy didnt love you?  Thats whats wrong with you!!  Notice a pattern?? YOU must be the one to break it!! 

Sometimes I want deep blue, I'm odd.  But ive never been this deep in to my deep blue, and I'm here alone.

dont judge or question just accept. 

Epiphany

If you are traveling with a small child or an infant, put your mask on first, then help the child.

read beyond the words to see

fwd fwd fwd fwd

got a fwd fwd fwd today

it said God doesn't take away things to punish you

He is merely opening your hands for a bigger blessing

I need two open hands to receive my blessings

I really need to set this bag of dog shit down

Release

I've been holding on so very tightly

afraid to let go

UNABLE to let go

scared of the unknown

afraid of the lonely

not wanting to have to walk alone

its like my hand is stuck in a jar

and I'm holding on to a ball, MY ball

I want the ball so badly I wont let it go

I have the ball

but the jar has me

If I just release my grasp

i would be free

I love my ball

but if i let it go i will be free...

Everything

Tears for water

“Im a prisoner of words unsaid.

Just lonely feelings locked away in my head.

I try myself further everytime I stay quiet.

I should start to speak, but I stutter and stay quiet.

And now I’ve made my own hard bed inside this prison of words unsaid.”
 
-Alicia Keys
 
I refuse to hurt you with my words.  I can't allow myself to cause you any pain.  You will never realize how deeply I honestly do love you.  I am sorry but I no longer in love with you and I want my freedom from you, let me go.  Dont make me speak the words that will kill your heart.  Just go.  Please.....

10/11/10

It was suppose to be such a wonderful day.  It wasnt.  It was fucked up on so many levels.  Started with tears and ended the same damn way.  No better way to end the night but with a threesome..........Sailor Jerry, as well as Ben and Jerrry (funky monkey).  Can it get worse?  Seriously....can it get worse???

when I say I am ok, I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me really tight and say to me "I know that you are not".

shameless

i cannot name this
i cannot explain this
and i really don't want to
 just call me shameless
 i can't even slow this down
let alone stop this
and i keep looking around
 but i cannot top
 this if i had any sense 
i guess i'd fear this
 i guess i'd keep it down
 so no one would hear this
 i guess i'd shut my mouth
 and rethink a minute
 but i can't shut it now
 'cuz there's something in it

Oh. my.....

Libra

Don't be startled if you're attracting an awful lot of admiring attention now -- for at least the next couple of days, in fact. Your naturally sociable, charming sign will be even more able to lure new fans your way. Needless to say, it won't exactly be hellish for you to get through this.  In fact, one admirer in particular may let it be known that you're exactly who they've been looking for.

hello?!

Staring over, staring the journey back to me.  I never knew what finding yourself meant, but I am now trying to find me. I was told a long time ago the spark was gone from my eyes.  I want to find her again, the person that started everyday as if it were he last.  The carefree me.  I gonna have so much fun!!!!

Todays Libra

You might want to change your cell number or email address in order to get a little privacy and relaxation. Everyone knows that your parties are legendary, and they want on the guest list. At work, your bosses know full well that when it comes to getting people organized and motivated, you're the right person for the job. Though you adore being in such high demand, it's past time for you to reject at least a few of these requests, just to maintain your sanity

I am tried of people, I'm tired of being called in for those who aren't, I am tired of being the hostess, I'm tired of cooking!!!  I want to crawl under a rock and not exist for a day.