co-workers

Ive been at my job for a while now and getting to know my co-workers and in return they get to know me better.  Its interesting to see how someone else sees me.  One ask me what color were my contact, I told her blue..they really are just tinted blue so if they fall in the sink I can find them.  She thought I wore colored contacts, my momma gave em to me.  I talked another co-worker into telling me what people say about me when I'm not around, she said nothing bad really, just that I have a sense of humor that some don't get and they don't know if I am serious or not....hmmm dumb asses.  I guess I have a bit of a dry sense of humor.  When my oldest comes into my job they all think she is my sister *grin*.  I tell them I was a preteen mom, it was hard but I did it!! They are surprised to find out I had her when I was 22.  They automatically assume I really was a teen mom, noooo!  I just got some kick ass genes and Clinique.  I don't look my age.  I try not to indulge in office chatter, keep folks names out my mouth and maybe they will return the favor, don't always work out for me.  One co-worker would always talk shit about the Filipinos to me, I would just listen, she did make valid observations, she doesn't whisper to me about the Filipinos now that she over heard me speaking in (very limited) Tagalog to one of em.  Another co-worker offers me part of her lunch then acts like I owe her something, she say shit like "aight I wont bring you lunch again" I'm like heffa when I ever ask you too?  I hate when people expect things of you because they gave to you, if you gonna give something do it with your heart and without expectations!!

I'm getting tired of where I work now.  Its time to move on.  I'm ready to pack up and leave, its been more than 3 years here, and I got that moving itch.

January 28, 2010 Libra

Old memories crowd your mind today. Perhaps a phone call or email brings up the past. In some way, you'll find yourself balanced between what has gone before and what you're striving to move toward. This could be an uncomfortable sensation, especially if you feel stretched between family expectations and your own goals, or if an issue with a loved one needs to be resolved. Think logically as well as emotionally.

If you know what this means, it was probably meant for you

I  Like/ Loathe/ Hate/ Despise/ Admire/ Miss/ Want/ See/ Remember/ Know/ Wish I knew you/Adore/ Still care about/ Want to Have/ Need/ Want to see/ Want to be with/ Wonder about/ Forgot/Cant live without/Never want to see/ Never cared about/ Still think about/ Just want/ Told you/Shouldn't have told/ Miss talking to/ Miss hanging out with/ Wore this for/ don't hate/ Wish I could forget/ Don't want to forget about   You  

I no longer sleep

I haven't slept for two good hours for days now.  I'm getting delirious with being tired.  My mind is on overdrive and its full of nothing and everything at the same time.  I need sleep...I need peace, a peaceful sleep.

Poor Impulse Control

I won't give up on you
These scars won't tear us apart
So don't give up on me
It's not too late for us
And I'll save you from yourself

Close your eyes
There's nothing we can do
But sleep in this bed that we made for ourselves
You're trapped in our past
Is there hope for us?
Can we make it out alive?
I can taste the failure on your lips

We'll play this symphony of sympathy
I won't give up on you

Editing myself

At work we are preparing for inventory.  I am part of the "blitz" team.  We go though the store and scan every single fucking thing in the store to make sure it scans.  My initial thoughts were why the hell it aint checked at the damn door? So my day started early, 6 am to avoid as many customers as possible.  The store is strangley still and quiet except for the muzak you ever listen to the words?  Shits kinda deep softly playing in the background I wonder how much money they'd save turning this shit off at closing?  We have scanner guns to let us know whats scanning in our system and whats not.  It beeps every time you get a good scan.  Beep beep beep is all you hear through the store.  Its mindless for the most part so I allow my thoughts to wander off to where it wants.

How the hell I end up with the wall of jeans?  Shits above my head and so neat.  Little chit chat about our days, the dread of inventory.  Beep beep.  Keep the jeans nice and neat, don't mess them up...aw fuck it.  Time seems to fly by, coworkers start to arrive.

Coworker "Hey hey all those jeans scan!!!"
"Yea I see that but it would of been nice to know before I started"
"Oh my goodness they were so neat"
"They still are!" BITCH
"NO they aren't" Sad face
Yea I know they is fucked up now huh? "Im just here to make sure they scan" skank
"Well who's going to refold them now?"
uh...you dumb ass "I'm the blitz team, I'm just here to make sure things scan, Ive done my job, now you can do yours"
"Dont worry about it just dont worry bout it"
bitch do I look concerned at all? "Ok!"

Beep beep beep

Stores opening, worst time of day here come the mindless shopper with their dumb ass questions

Dumb Customer "Excuse me, where is the ATM?"
under the big fucking letters that say ATM  dumbass!!!
"Right behind you ma'am"
"If it woulda been a snake it woulda bit me" wish we had deadly snakes in the store

They move infront me even though they seeing me working, behind me invading my space.  Beep beep.

DUMBER Customer "Can you tell me how much this costs?"
Are you forfuckingreal?? "The price is on there sir"
"Oh ok, just making sure its the right price, its 30% off right?"
I see the big ass sign, you MUST see it too "Yes sir"
"How much will that be?"
Do I look like a fuckin calculator??  "I'm not sure, they will tell you at the register"
Damn I hate people some days.

Beep beep

Thank goodness my day is almost half way done, coming in early means leaving early.


Manager "We need your help in electronics"
Muthafucka "I'm blitz team today"
"Well, we need you over there"
Gatdamn it "yes sir, what do you need me to do?"
"Check the connections to Barber/Beauty, they are getting picture but no sound"
I guess I'm the only one here today that can trouble shoot shit I aint paid for huh?
"Here's the plug sir lazy ass, Im not sure nor do I really give a damn how it came out, call and see if they have sound now"
"Yep they are good to go, thanks"
"You're not fucking welcome! Be sure to tell them next time they fuckin'  mess up my sons hair they gonna lose sound again. My baby's hair line aint come in straight yet, fuckers.


My day finally ended, the coworker whined to the managers who chastised me.  Miscounted some shit got chastised again.  Wide eyed "I'm sorry I did what? Didn't mean to..." for the male managers.  Make the females ones laugh about my fuck ups, its all good at the end of the day, then theres always tomorrow.  I'm dusting off my resume.

To me..

..true love is the sweetest thing in life.  Thats why we're all either in love or looking for love.  Sometimes you have to work for it, especially when life gets in the way.  But I believe true, deep  love is always worth fighting for.

1.19.10

Write daily. My day yesterday.

I woke up this morning and my left eye was stinging.  Im used to fucked up contact lenses so I went about my day.  Got to work and my eye really start stinging!  It hurt so badly I had to pull it out (the contact lens).  I think I can be considered legally blind because I cant even see the big ass E on the top of the eye chart.  So needless to say my equilibrium was thrown the fuck off, half damn blind and all.  I tried my best to stay to the right.  Lucky for me it was a slow day.  Through the course of the day my eye got worse, it was throbbing and gave me a headache. I had to keep a piece of tissue paper under my eye to stop the tears.  Through out the day coworkers would ask me "whats wrong?", "why you crying", lied to some, but mostly let everyone know my eyeball was bout to fall the fuck out.  Went home early and found the darkest quietest room in the house and slept til bed time only to wake up yell at a kid or two for not folding they damn clothes and went back to bed.  My eye still stings a little, I really need to stop letting my flat nose insecurities keep me from wearing glasses.  Damn Filipino blood.

Letting go...holding on

Criticism, lack of money, lack of “know-how,” and the onset of “reality” after high school and college are all often the most common excuses people give for leaving their dreams to be unfulfilled.
Some let naysayers and nondoers tell them to “get real” or call their dreams and desire to pursue them “crazy” and “stupid.”

Others make up a boundary between them and their dreams because they think they don’t have enough money or knowledge.

And then most fall victim to the predetermined destiny that society establishes for all of us. That we need to get a degree, get a job, find a husband or wife, “settle down” and to basically give up, and be happy doing something we may despise.

Letting go of dreams may be a little difficult at first but also relieving. You don’t have to put yourself out there anymore, you don’t have to listen to the naysayers, no risking it, and no more hard work. It might seem like Easy Street.

Settling down may be nice for a few years or even a few decades for some. But after awhile something happens…

No matter how far you bury your unfulfilled dreams in the ground, no matter how much dirt you throw on top of them, they rise from the dead and claw their way above ground like zombies.

By the time they reach the surface, they’re full of vengeance and thirsty, thirsty for blood.

They’re after you. They want you and they need you.

They’re going to haunt you to the end.

Every year the ball drops on New Year’s Eve your unfulfilled dreams come flooding back to your memory.
When you lose a loved one, you think of how short life is and your dreams come back hoping for you to achieve them.

The days when you don’t feel like getting out of bed to go to work, your dreams come crawling back, carrying the “what if’s?” and the “shouldas, wouldas, and couldas.”

The longer you wait, the louder and more vicious your unfulfilled dreams will become. They eat away at your mind, your soul, and your heart. They stalk you and are there at every turn in life asking you “what if?” and force you to ponder about what could have been, what you should have done, and what you could do if you could go back in time.

Your unfulfilled dreams won’t be unforgiving, not even when you’re on your death bed. They’re not giving up on you for giving up on them. They’re getting their revenge.

To prevent yourself from becoming haunted by your unfulfilled dreams, you already know what to do. Turn dreams into goals. Don’t wait. Don’t contrive excuses for yourself. Use the words of naysayers against them to prove them wrong. Work hard. And don’t settle for anything less than your best.

I dont know why I read this shit!

Libra


Right now you're amply endowed with sensuality, charisma and an absolutely illegal amount of allure. This is not a surprise to anyone who knows you. Thanks to the stars, you're doubly lethal at the moment -- and you really should be careful where you aim this stuff. You know how potent your charm is. Now double that by a hundred -- or a thousand.

Once upon a time..

there was a little girl who dreamed of her future, when she dreamt it was full of success and happyness. (I know how to use spell check I just like how it looks) She was given all the tools she needed in life to fulfill her every wish and dream, she knew the sky was never the limit. So she reached up higher than even her dreams took her. She wanted to write, her success would be measured by the people she touched, not the money she made. Her mind was made up and she began to write and never stopped. If she was sad she wrote, happy she wrote, hurt she wrote, at times writing so fast her pen was barely able to keep up. She wrote so much it spilled from her paper to the floor where she would pick up the words and feelings and carry them with her. She thought in writing, every moment of her life she narrated like a story to one day be told. She wrote so well she was ask to write for church events, she wrote for her high school and college newspapers. She even had her poems published in a calendar, to this day she knows every word of the poems. She wrote shorts stories that her professors read aloud to the class as an example of how to paint pictures with words. The callous on her right middle finger was her trophy of a job well done.

This little girl was so very happy writing, then one day her ability to write was taken from her, stolen, and she didn't even realize it had gone. She decided to seek other things in life and decided that writing could wait. She thought that she would be able to pick up her pen and it would guide her like it once did before. But now when she picks up the pen, nothing flows from it. She has tried to gather up all her dropped words and feelings to put them back on the paper, but they would continue to fall to the floor, and again she would pick them up. All the passion and pain she could make others feel were trapped inside her now. It was all building up with no where to flow.

Then one day the little girl had her own little girl. All the talent for writing she thought was lost was really just given away...to her little girl.  She also passed along all the tools she would need in life, she can only hope her daughter uses them. Now the grown girl watches her little girl, full of passion for writing, paint pretty and sometimes ugly pictures with words.

The end.