Everything

Tears for water

“Im a prisoner of words unsaid.

Just lonely feelings locked away in my head.

I try myself further everytime I stay quiet.

I should start to speak, but I stutter and stay quiet.

And now I’ve made my own hard bed inside this prison of words unsaid.”
 
-Alicia Keys
 
I refuse to hurt you with my words.  I can't allow myself to cause you any pain.  You will never realize how deeply I honestly do love you.  I am sorry but I no longer in love with you and I want my freedom from you, let me go.  Dont make me speak the words that will kill your heart.  Just go.  Please.....

10/11/10

It was suppose to be such a wonderful day.  It wasnt.  It was fucked up on so many levels.  Started with tears and ended the same damn way.  No better way to end the night but with a threesome..........Sailor Jerry, as well as Ben and Jerrry (funky monkey).  Can it get worse?  Seriously....can it get worse???

when I say I am ok, I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me really tight and say to me "I know that you are not".

shameless

i cannot name this
i cannot explain this
and i really don't want to
 just call me shameless
 i can't even slow this down
let alone stop this
and i keep looking around
 but i cannot top
 this if i had any sense 
i guess i'd fear this
 i guess i'd keep it down
 so no one would hear this
 i guess i'd shut my mouth
 and rethink a minute
 but i can't shut it now
 'cuz there's something in it

Oh. my.....

Libra

Don't be startled if you're attracting an awful lot of admiring attention now -- for at least the next couple of days, in fact. Your naturally sociable, charming sign will be even more able to lure new fans your way. Needless to say, it won't exactly be hellish for you to get through this.  In fact, one admirer in particular may let it be known that you're exactly who they've been looking for.

hello?!

Staring over, staring the journey back to me.  I never knew what finding yourself meant, but I am now trying to find me. I was told a long time ago the spark was gone from my eyes.  I want to find her again, the person that started everyday as if it were he last.  The carefree me.  I gonna have so much fun!!!!

Todays Libra

You might want to change your cell number or email address in order to get a little privacy and relaxation. Everyone knows that your parties are legendary, and they want on the guest list. At work, your bosses know full well that when it comes to getting people organized and motivated, you're the right person for the job. Though you adore being in such high demand, it's past time for you to reject at least a few of these requests, just to maintain your sanity

I am tried of people, I'm tired of being called in for those who aren't, I am tired of being the hostess, I'm tired of cooking!!!  I want to crawl under a rock and not exist for a day.

Fuckin Leo's

Literally (I crack myself up sometimes)
I like reading about astrology.  I like how your personality is based on the time of year you were born.  When realistically I think just about anyone can read any of the signs and relate to it.  I don't totally agree with it, its dam sure not my core belief, I don't start my day based on my horoscope, but I do find it kind of fascinating.  Sometimes its on point.  I was doing some reading today (I really need to find something more productive to do on my days off), and I found some interesting points about Leo (him) and Libra (me).


Anyone who is so lucky lucky?? to have a Leo in your life brace yourself, for the boss will become bossier in the coming weeks! And it aint gon stop (dont correct my shit, im being ghetto) But just as much as the lion or lioness is imperious, they are equally warm-spirited and very generous . . . and not just with their possessions but with their love, affection and loyalty. When a Leo loves, they do so with every fiber of their being and the beneficiary of such adoration will always feel safe and secure true true. To live in peace with such royalty, you must be loyal note to self google definition and attentive for if you waver you can stir up their possessive, controlling and over reactive tendencies. Thats so VERY true The lion/lioness are true rulers of their “jungle” and if their authority is ever, for one moment, challenged or questioned just stand by and be ready for damage control . . . don’t be foolish, you can’t beat a lion its own house. Where theres a will, theres a way Tread light. Excellent advice actually
On the flip-side, however, it’s best not to tamper with a Leo’s trust or feelings, they’re rather sensitive! Yes, sensitive. Understatement!  If you do, know that you’ve awakened a sleeping beast. When this astral sign feels, in any way, betrayed or violated or if you fuck someone else he/she will strike without mercy “the pounce of punishment,” if you will. Yeah, kinda sucks You can’t escape it. This sign can be vicious with words and follow it up with a crucial silent treatment that shows no signs of breaking. uh...fosho
The problem with Libra and Leo is that Leo in love matters forgets that they have a life too and they often make their lover their first priority almost in every thing... so dealing with libra for love is best way to not to get into them so much...and use balance tactic, talk when required and give as much space as you can and be very very clear. Libra has tendency to destroy leo ....and thats the practical fact. Only when there are no options left....Or some days just for fun. 


Libra women are most likely to marry Taurus and Libra men, and to divorce Leos. Although Leo is theoretically a compatible sign, Libra flirtatiousness and Leo’s need to be the center of attention may not always mix well in a romantic relationship Fact! This is why I read this shit. Libra women are least likely to divorce Libra men.
A clue to what just might be wrong with his ass! hmmmm?

I got carded for beer today!!! LOL

GA

It was my first time to Georgia.  I was reluctant to go.  I didn't want to make the long ass drive.  I cant imagine any place as home, but home.  Georgia was even further than home.  I'm heading south when I should be heading north!!!  To my surprise, I liked it, no loved it!  I guess a big part of my loving GA is due to the fact my daughter will soon leave me for it.

I see in GA beauty, its really pretty there, much more so than TX.  There are hills and valleys, no mountains but I cant always have it all.  I see me there, it felt comfortable, it felt like home to my nomad soul.  I see opportunity and change a fresh start.  IF I do move there I am not sure if I will continue to feel this way, I even have a new blog in mind "A northerns girl to surviving down south".  There are so many things there I noticed that aren't me, never really has been and nothing I want to be.  For instance it seemed as if every female was dressed for an impromptu video shoot. Heels, weave, make up dressed nice, EVERYWHERE I went.  Shopping for clothes or foods, at the car wash, at the fourth of July fire works show at the park walkin all through grass and shit!! Who does that?? Females in GA is who.  I most comfy in jeans and tshirt minimal make up if any at all, flip flops.  Also they all, well most, seemed to have this brash bader than you attitude.  They define the black stereotype.  Its kinda intimidating.  I dont know how well I would fit in.  My kids seemed to love the idea of moving.  I dont know what my future has in store for me, but GA is definitely now an option.  As long as I'm near a military base and have access to my Asian foods I can make a home anywhere!!

Road trip tips

• 14 hours is a long ass time
• drinking two 5 hour energy's will not give you ten hours of energy
• it will however make you shake like a crack head for about 3
• when the speed limit reads 70, that means its ok to go 80 to 85ish
• mini vans weren't built to go more than 90 MPH
• dogs sweat
• drive+determination+5hr energy+energy pills will kick tired and common sense's ass any day
• gotta piss will slaughter em both
• the little 5hr energy shots make me burp and piss like I drank a 40 (do they still make those?)
• TomTom is a dumb dumb should HAVE got the Garmin
• TomTom would give me a ETA and I would try to roll back the time by speeding, fun game at 4 in the morning
• Midnight is the best time to leave
• Wear fresh contact lenses
• When driving down a dark road TomTom hollerin at you will scare the shit out of you and the dog
• Invest in a kennel stay for puppy
• Still no speeding ticket
• Take quick naps on the straight always, hitting the bumps will wake you in time and you will be refreshed
• When you start seein shit that's not there, like a bicycle rider in the middle of the road, pull over for more energy
• That last turn into the drive way is like seeing the pearly gates open for you (I assume)
• When its raining to hard to see, get behind a 18 wheeler, follow at a safe distance (duh)
• if you extend the trucker courtesy to the truck drivers they will have your back, blink safe to move over, blink blink thanks, blink blink blink popo
• 14 hours is a long ass muthafuckin time

Alex

Its hurricane season!!! Yaay.  Its the very first one of the season and its headed towards my direction.  Lucky for me (a little) I wont be any where near the city!  I have prepared for Alex however.  I was advised to take pictures of all my valuables.  I took a pic of my kids and dog.  Im ready to leave this city if even for just a little while.

Tears of a fool

I tell my daughters your tears are your power, never give them away.  If you cry dont LET anyone make you, and if you just have to cry, dont let the fool who caused it see them.  You give them your tears, you give them your power.  Never let em see you cry!!!  Sometimes, only rarely, my anger overpowers my self-control and I cry.  I cry when I am incredibly sad and when I hold it back too long, I cry because of the smallest things like a Colgate commercial, or I let it all flow when social mores dictate it should be so.  Now is a time I just need a good cry.  

The devil made me do it!

Ok so maybe not MAKE me but damn he got skills for talking me into and sometimes outta shit.  I gave into all my vices, I like having a vice.  I like my addictions, no excuses.

so ha!

 you're gonna want me back!! You're gonna need me one day!

My baby

I have decided to stick with Ladybug Ladybug, and with a pat on my own back, beaming with pride like the announcement of a new baby, I gladly state, The End.  The reviews have been good.  I reread it and I cant believe I actually wrote this master piece!  I tend to be my own worst critic but I really think its good, and I'm not the only one, thanks to all my editors and critics, thanks for your honesty!  Its like Ive given birth to the baby I thought Id never have (again).  I so fucking proud of me!!

A letter to my love

I'm sorry I have neglected you
I'm sorry I haven't come to you in months, counting close to a year, maybe it has been already.
I have missed you
I have thought of you
Craved you
NEEDED you
Even had my hand on the door knob to go to you, but I turned back
Because I was afraid, of you and my reaction to you
I know I need you, my body needs you, my mind craves you, my dreams are even of you
When I would be with you daily my whole mood was uplifted
When I visited you daily my body would be exhausted, my mind exhilarated
You. Were. My. Drug.
The other day I got a glimpse of you
Your feel
Your effect on me
And it was not the same
I shouldn't have stayed away so long
But I'm back, I promise promise (you cant break those)
I will have to readjust to you
but be patient with me, love
I will be at the 3 mile point again without troubles in no time!!
Ive missed you my pavement!!!

And my ass is starting to spread.

Laalaa

Your desires are close to the surface now. You're like a snake shedding its skin -- somewhat vulnerable, but ready to shuck off anything that inhibits or restricts you. That might mean purging your wardrobe of items that don't fit or don't look right, showing a bore the door or just ridding yourself of a bad habit that holds you back. You're feeling rebellious and ready to rock, but it's no pose -- these impulses come from a deep and trustworthy place.

Im not to be toyed with!!

Im tired of being patient and understanding, I have run out of both.  You dont realize you are pushing to a point of absolute no return.......or maybe you do.

Just say YES!!

Is getting to sleep a problem for you? Are you having even more trouble staying asleep once you finally get there? Hold off one more day before checking with the doctor or trying a heavy-duty pharmaceutical solution. You need to solve the issue you haven't quite put to bed, so to speak. If it's a financial matter, get out your tools and get to work. You just might be able to put an end to your insomnia.

I like the drugs that put me to sleep, they make my nights dreamless.  My dreams suck.

Im a CLASSIST!!! *sad face*

Ok, so I'm doing my Census Enumerator thing.  I have been visiting homes of those people who did NOT send in their census, shame on ya'll!!! But thank you for this job. Pay is decent and I make my own hours so I get to work around my "job".  Sad thing is I make more in one week working for the census than I make in two weeks working were I currently do now.  We get paid by the hour, for our mileage (I get lost a lot), and reimbursed for phone calls (my crappy prepaid) and other essentials.  I see what they mean by government waste.

When I got my first assignment it was for a very affluent area.  Lots of gated homes, double glass doors, that fancy round about driveway.  So I thought to myself ok good, decent folks to interview, for the most part, they were assholes!! Some refusals, a few well if you have to you have to's.  The middle class neighborhood was the easiest part I had, I was offered glasses of water and tea, to come in and sit down, real nice people.

Then I got my third assignment, a trailer park.  I drove by the first day and just looked at them, I saw a wild pack of dogs, broken down cars and mobile homes (I think people live in them).  I think I even saw a possum or big ass rat, or maybe it was a cat.  It scurred me.  So I decided to pass them up and leave them for another day.  

*Another Day*

I drove into the park avoiding potholes big enough to swallow my tire.  I look for numbers on the "units"  they aren't on all the homes, I gather all my material get out my car and walk from one end of the park to the other hoping to find a number or person to speak with.  Yaaaay a number!  The porch had a locked fence, do I go in??  What if the wild dogs live here??  I'm brave I can do this!!  I unlock the gate hold tightly to my bag, in case I gotta run like hell.  I knock on the door, a Hispanic gentleman answers the door.  I introduce myself and he doesn't speak much English, sleeping through 2 years of Spanish in high school and barely passing it in college actually comes in handy.  On to plan Si (cute huh??) Hola me llamo Lisa.  Necesitamos contar a las personas donde viven.  He answers back....HUH!!?  I talk better than I listen.  He sees the confusion in my eyes and speaks English to me, which is far superior to my Spanish.  We get through the interview, he is very friendly, at the end I ask for his number for the census, what number he asks, your pin number I want your money. 

The next house was the manager, this is where my stereotyping kicks in, a toothless, what teeth she did have were blackish answered the door.  Shes yelling at kids behind the door "Lillian get out that kitchen", my heart is in my throat, I want to run from toothless.  I introduce myself and she is actually very pleasant, I feel bad for thinking badly of her. She offers help with the vacant homes and tells me about the ones in prison.  I continue my walk and search of numbers, everyone that sees me greets me in a friendly manner, all willing to help me with information, I get 4 houses done at one lady's home.  People wave to me and ask how my days going and if I need help finding anything.  I leave the park begging for forgiveness for being a classist.  I have to go back tomorrow to finish up the houses where no one was home.  I have three people willing to walk me up and down the road and help me find the people.  Everyone was really nice.  Even the pack of dogs were friendly, and that possum/rat was a cat.....I think...well, I hope cause it rubbed up against me.

Libra

Though you may feel like monopolizing someone's company today, it's a good idea not to get too greedy. Let them have their fun for now -- they're sure to come back to you sooner or later. Trying to keep them by your side all day and night just cuts down on the amount of fun you could be having on your own. Set them free and watch them come right back to you soon.

Strangers/Lovers

Libra
You're reevaluating your relationship with romance. How much of what you need from your intimate relationships has been dictated to you by others? Now you're ready to toss all that aside and focus on your real, personal needs and desires from that special someone in your life. It might seem like a huge task, but finding someone who can keep up with you is ultimately a very rewarding venture.

Premier Customer Service

1. People are dumb.
2. The price is different cause the product is different.
3. If you cant do the math in your head, what the fuck makes you think I can?
4. Yes, I can price match.  If you can prove it, liar liar.
5. I am not being rude just because I am not being polite.
6. If you gotta put a Coach purse on layaway, you cant afford it.
7. I don't give a fuck what rank your husband is, you still just a bitch with an ID.
8. This ain't a playground, control your kids.
9. I don't own or know about half the shit I sell, but I can make you think I do.
10. I DO get a commission so buy it!
11. I lie all day.
12. If I walk away, don't follow me, I'm done with you.
13. Speak back bitch, I'm tryin to be courteous.
14. I'm NOT beneath you.
15. Bitch, been there done that out ranked you.
16. Old white men are pervs.
17. The Managers don't give a fuck when you complain, they are sick of you too.
18. I know when you are lying.
19. I will confiscate your ID and I like that you are pissed I did.
20. Privilege is defined by exclusivity, unauthorized patrons CAN NOT shop here, I don't care who got you in.
21. LOOK FOR IT
22. I need a new job.

ok?

                             if i ever push you away,
                             i dont really mean to.
when i tell you i dont want to talk about it
i am just looking for the right words.
give me a minute, and if i can tell you, i will.
i try to be a struggling mix of real and
perfect at the same time.
                 at the moment,
i am working on the ratio.
when i get really quited sometimes
it is because i have too much to say
i have thought of too many things to tell you
all at once
and i dont know what to say first.
i get immaturely jealous of anyone
who gets to see you on a daily basis
                              i miss you really easily.
                              but i also like that we can be
a        p       a       r         t
and we are both ok.                  space is good, too.
    i love the way we love some of the
    same things.            and i love how
     we love entirely different things.
my head is a complicated pile of thoughts
                               and fears, and craving, and dreams
                               and this tangled up nostalgia for the
                               past and, somehow, the future.
i am flawed and i am human and i am broken and
i am trying.  and i am one person and i am two
hands and i am one                           and i like you
heart                              and i am so glad you are here.

Darling I must confess

I never knew happiness
until I kissed your lips
now I want nothing less
sandness has comes since were so far apart
I feel it most when I'm alone in the dark
I need a quick cure for this pain in my heart
cause I have needs
and no discipline
and the distance is killing me
resistance is not appealing
and I don't know if I can be alone
its not an option for me
sweetness I have to say
the price is high
I just cant pay
I got so carried away talking to you every day
thinking of you seems to get me so hot
I wish you were here to take care of my spot
but I found someone here who likes it a lot

What is Love?

Are your Palms sweaty, is your heart racing, and is your voice caught within your chest?
It isn't love, its like.
You cant keep your eyes or hands off of them, am I right?
It isn't love its lust
Are you proud, and eager to show them off?
It isn't love its pride
Do you want them because you know they're there?
it isn't love its loneliness
Are you there because its what everyone wants?
its isn't love, its loyalty
Are you there because they kissed you, or held your hand?
It isn't love, its low confidence
Do you stay for their confessions of love, because you don't want to hurt them?
It isn't love, its pity
Do you belong to them because their sight makes your heart skip a beat?
It isn't love its infatuation.
Do you pardon their faults because you care about them?
It isn't love, its friendship
Do you tell them every day that they are the only one you think of?
It isn't love, its a lie
Are you willing to give all of your favorite things for their sake?
It isn't love its charity.
Does your heartache and break when they are sad?
Then its love.
Do you cry for their pain, even when they're strong?
Then its love
Do you stay because a blinding, incomprehensible mix of pain and relation pulls you close and holds you there?
Then its love
Do you accept their faults because they're a part of who they are?
Then its love
Are you attracted to other, but stay with them faithfully without regret?
Then its love
Would you give them your heart, your life, your death
Think about it for a second....

fiddy

Only half of what I write in these blogs actually get posted.  Back space back space delete delete, save as draft.  There are things I want to unleash and once I do, it gets deleted.  Things like I never liked oral sex until a white boy did it *sigh*.  I guess it makes up for his lack of lips, you ever notice white folks aint got no lips??

Regret

I did things I would never do had feelings I never should of.  I was desperate and needy.  I wanted to prove myself to him, even though he wasn't worthy.  My imagination turned him into something he was not.  I still wanted him.  As if I didn't already know how to embarrass myself.  Eventually, my crazy outplace feelings faded but I'm still pissed at myself for devoting that much time and energy to someone who wasn't worth it

my new "smooth" muse

My new flavor and at times inspriation, one vice at a time.....When a new shipment comes in at work, they tell me my black is in.  "Hey, a shipment of your black came in"  LOL they know me so well.

UUUUGH!!

Its soooo fuckin hard to just fuckin say no to some shit I just really fucking want gatdamnitalltohell!!!!

Me likes!!

Libra

You know how you get when there's a full moon: emotional, wistful, nostalgic -- and extremely romantic. That's no coincidence, and it's not going to change. This time out, you're also going to be full of energy, and quite ready to take off in pursuit of the one you adore. Better dress warm. Who knows where the chase will lead -- and who cares? It's sure to be fun under the moonlight.

Vengeance is mine

Youve stolen my sense of self worth, now its only fair I take yours in return....that and all the other fucking things I deserve!!  You will be lucky if I only take half!  Rot in the self inflicted prison of self pity you have created for yourself. 

Bonfire

I was invited to a coworkers Bday party on the beach, from 5pm to 5pm, the invitation said BYOB (Sailor Jerry was my date) and BYOC (condoms) I maybe should of stayed home.....

Just breath

this too shall pass, just breath...

Fruitless

It is fruitless to become lachrymose over precipitately decanted lacteal fluid.  Get the fuck past it already!! Or at the very least head towards it.

Writers block

Ok, so I was flowing quite nicely for the last few days.  All my words seem to leap from my imagination onto the paper (yea I write it all then type it later).  I guess I am blocked because I cant find feelings I have never experienced, but isn't that the hallmark of a good writer...hmmm.  I am at the fire, I don't know how to express the fire.  I don't know how to make Denise feel about it all.  Ive tried to put my self in her shoes. When I was younger we lost our kitchen to a fire, and alls I can remember is being angry at the smell.  I dont remember any fear, not my own, just my aunts. I try to ask for visions when I dream, I woke up crying last night  but I don't know why, I think I was feeling her pain, but my memory didn't capture it. Now I'm stuck...Puffy pancakes always put me in the mood to write, I guess it breakfast for dinner, yum!!

I wish that I had

NEVER MET YOU

Then there would be no need to impress you. No need to want you. No need for loving you. No need for crying over you. No need for pain or tears.  No need for forgotten promises.  No need for rejected hugs.  No need for crying myself to sleep.  No need for acting like you care.  No need for everything you've done to make me feel like absolutely nothing.

But then again, I'm glad I did meet you.  Cause you were the one who always asked me if anything was wrong.  You were the one who loved me for me.  The one who cared when everyone didn't. The one who listened.  The one who stayed up late just to talk about the randomest shit ever.  You were the one who I told secrets to.  The one who taught me new things.  The one who laughed at my bad jokes.  The one who did things, just for me.

I want someone..

Who wont care that Im incapable of stitting still

That I cant grasp the concept of cleaning

And I refuse to be ladylike

someone who realizes

that half the decision I make

are usually ones I regret

and I have the right to overreact to any given moment

I want someone who knows how completely insane I am

and he wouldnt want me any other way

Hey you

You are my favorite thing in the world.

And you imprefections only make you more perfect.

And when I am with you I dont need anthing or anyone else.

And i care about you more than Ive ever cared about another person.

And whenever something exciting happens, I want you to be the first person I tell.

And the last person I see at night.

And I want to take you everywhere with me, I'd keep you in my pocket if I could.

And when somethin is funny, I sometimes look over to see if you are laughing too.

But you are not there.

So I dont know why we aren't speaking.

And why this is all so complicated.

You'd think that after all this searching when I finally found you.

The struggle would be over.

And I might have to live my entire life knowing you are out there.

And not part of me.

And that thought is like a gun to my head.

But I can't stop what's happening.

And I dont know how to fix it.

I do need you.

I'm just so afraid of what will happen if you find that out.

Many moons

Its been a while since I have been happy for no particular reason!  Things are all outta whack and still I'm happy!    While some things may be seemingly hopelessly lost, I am finding other things, and people.  I reconnected to a friend from back in the day, I'm actually writing my "novel" 5 chapters in.  My working title is Ladybug Ladybug.  Work is good, getting leads on better jobs however.  I did well on a test.  I found a new "friend" but I have set boundaries, tryin to. He took me on a ride on his motorcycle even though I swore to never go that fast again unless surrounded by metal, unfortunate moped incident when I was in high school, still have the scar.  It was cool riding on the back of his bike, holding on for dear life, bugs splattering on the helmet faceamathing.  It was real late at night but going over the bridge was a really beautiful blur.  Today I'm happy!!

Thank you for being black

I got thanked for being black today at work.  He extenended his hand and thanked me and my people!  Then his wife gave me coins telling me that Jesus loves me.  I love where I work, its gonna suck when I have to quit.

Yea, what Mo said...

I have been reading about MoNique and what she says about her marriage on all the blogs, while I dont agree 100%, whats good for the goose the gander should be allowed too, I see her point.  I guess I am not the only one with a similar attitude towards men.  They cheat, they think of sex every 7 minutes and every single thought isn't about his wife.  As long as he doesn't give his heart away, hes still mine.  Humans are the only species on earth with unrealistic viewpoints on sex. Rather than follow the rules of nature (to be fruitful and multiply) humans follow our hearts and beliefs, which are sometimes inconsistent with nature. Asking a man not to creep is like asking him not to eat, sleep or breathe.


“Let me say this: I have not had sex outside my marriage with Sidney. Could Sid have sex outside of his marriage with me? Yes. That’s not a deal-breaker. That’s not something that would make us say, ‘Pack your things and let’s end the marriage. What if it’s 20 times? So what? We’ve been best friends for over 25 years, and we truly know who we are. Oftentimes, people get into marriages and they don’t know who they’re laying next to. I’m very comfortable and secure with my husband.”

Motherhood

I knew that child had just lied to me.  I don’t know why she tells lies because I always catch her in them.  When I walked into her room to confront her, she was balled up in the closet crying.  Damn I hate when she does that shit.  I put my head down and gave myself a second to get it together.  When I looked up, to my damn surprise, there were no blinds on her window!  Then I saw them, the blinds, in the corner tore the hell up.  I bowed my head and I prayed, I prayed for strength not to snatch a child up.  “Dear Lord, help me to be strong.”   I never ever want to lay my hands on my children.  You should discipline out of love not anger, and every time I wanted to hit a child I was pissed.  So I have rarely hit any of my children.  However, I have and will continue to threaten.  “You gonna end up pickin your teeth off the floor talkin bout she really hit me".   I’ve warned them on many occasions.  If I hit you, you will be hurt, because I’m going to be trying to hurt you.  God, thank you for giving me that strength, because I would call child protective services my damn self.  Once I am done of course.  “Yes sir I did slap the taste from her mouth.  You can find her somewhere in next week, where I knocked her hard headed ass to.”

Dear Sunday..

thank you for finally getting here! This past week was a tough one, way too long, way too cold. It was truly one hell of a wait for your return!

gotta blog

gotta put things right, where they should be and throw away things that shouldn't be.  I honestly thought I was done blogging, but as previously stated I sometimes react on impulse first initial reaction with out a thought to it what so ever.  I like to write, and I like to use this as one of my many avenues.  The keyboard was callin me and the last time I ignored a call, it left me.  I got to a point in life where the bottom would of been a climb up.  Then I heard it, a CD I found in my car, under the back seat I didn't even think would play.  I put it in my CD player to see what came out, from the speakers blared Kierra "Kiki" Sheard on of my favorite gospel singer, she sang to me S.N.A.P.  When you're dealin with depression, that means you're getting closer to your blessin.  So that must mean a have a blessing in store for me.  Its a struggle to make it back to right when theres so much wrong I still want to do.  But at the very least I know I'm loved blessed and fortunate.  I might not be on the right path yet, but at least I can now see it.

My only way out is through everything I'm running from.

Vindicated!!!!

Yesterday at work a little girl came into my line, I said hello to her as she stared up at me.  Ask the normal how you doing today to her father, and continued on with work.  The little girl kept starring up at me so I smiled at her, then she said...."you're beeww-ti-ful".  I smiled the rest of the day, I guess I wasn't looking like shit yesterday!  Ya'll know kids don't lie!

Fuck you very much

I get that today might not of been one of my "good" days, stress is like a brick to the face for me.  I can see it when I look in the mirror, but to be told "you look like shit" is kinda fucked up.  Thats what I was told today!! Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day, and if not then some day after that, hell.

Anon..

Its not a balloon I can't just let go.

Verbal Uzi

You cant begin to realize the restraint I practice when you talk shit to me.  All the things left unsaid that maybe should be.  Literally biting my bottom lip until I break the skin to stop my verbal attack on you.  I know lots of words, and I know how to use them well.  And I tend to mean, when you need to be put in your place I have something that needs to be said.  I'm not always fair and can be a bitch kinda rude, only if necessary.  All the things you've told me will may be held against you, your small dick complex insecurities, secrets I'm sure thats against the law of yours and others. Be grateful I bite my bottom lip, because I really do have so much that should be said.  But Ive been told more than once, if you have nothing nice to say, shut the fuck up say nothing at all, maybe its advice you'd better be wise to take as well.  

Li


yes, I do know you read this

I wish..

I wish i could take it all back
I wish i didn't have these lingering thoughts
I wish i didn't have to wonder just what you are doing now
I wish i didn't know inside
I wish you would of listened
I wish i didn't wish for you
I wish that i could stop this wishing and just say my last goodbye

Said I knew it was right, so I took the chance
Disregarded the challenge of the circumstance
Now you're to big a part of me to let you go I promise…
Despite the way that I make mistakes
And despite the direction this love may take
You can always be sure of me just have faith,
I got you … this much is true

-Ryan Leslie

Heavy

When the weight of the world seems to be bearing down on your shoulders, the weight crushing your very soul robbing you of your strength, hope and what few moments of joy you once owned, what do you do  What do you do??

co-workers

Ive been at my job for a while now and getting to know my co-workers and in return they get to know me better.  Its interesting to see how someone else sees me.  One ask me what color were my contact, I told her blue..they really are just tinted blue so if they fall in the sink I can find them.  She thought I wore colored contacts, my momma gave em to me.  I talked another co-worker into telling me what people say about me when I'm not around, she said nothing bad really, just that I have a sense of humor that some don't get and they don't know if I am serious or not....hmmm dumb asses.  I guess I have a bit of a dry sense of humor.  When my oldest comes into my job they all think she is my sister *grin*.  I tell them I was a preteen mom, it was hard but I did it!! They are surprised to find out I had her when I was 22.  They automatically assume I really was a teen mom, noooo!  I just got some kick ass genes and Clinique.  I don't look my age.  I try not to indulge in office chatter, keep folks names out my mouth and maybe they will return the favor, don't always work out for me.  One co-worker would always talk shit about the Filipinos to me, I would just listen, she did make valid observations, she doesn't whisper to me about the Filipinos now that she over heard me speaking in (very limited) Tagalog to one of em.  Another co-worker offers me part of her lunch then acts like I owe her something, she say shit like "aight I wont bring you lunch again" I'm like heffa when I ever ask you too?  I hate when people expect things of you because they gave to you, if you gonna give something do it with your heart and without expectations!!

I'm getting tired of where I work now.  Its time to move on.  I'm ready to pack up and leave, its been more than 3 years here, and I got that moving itch.

January 28, 2010 Libra

Old memories crowd your mind today. Perhaps a phone call or email brings up the past. In some way, you'll find yourself balanced between what has gone before and what you're striving to move toward. This could be an uncomfortable sensation, especially if you feel stretched between family expectations and your own goals, or if an issue with a loved one needs to be resolved. Think logically as well as emotionally.

If you know what this means, it was probably meant for you

I  Like/ Loathe/ Hate/ Despise/ Admire/ Miss/ Want/ See/ Remember/ Know/ Wish I knew you/Adore/ Still care about/ Want to Have/ Need/ Want to see/ Want to be with/ Wonder about/ Forgot/Cant live without/Never want to see/ Never cared about/ Still think about/ Just want/ Told you/Shouldn't have told/ Miss talking to/ Miss hanging out with/ Wore this for/ don't hate/ Wish I could forget/ Don't want to forget about   You  

I no longer sleep

I haven't slept for two good hours for days now.  I'm getting delirious with being tired.  My mind is on overdrive and its full of nothing and everything at the same time.  I need sleep...I need peace, a peaceful sleep.

Poor Impulse Control

I won't give up on you
These scars won't tear us apart
So don't give up on me
It's not too late for us
And I'll save you from yourself

Close your eyes
There's nothing we can do
But sleep in this bed that we made for ourselves
You're trapped in our past
Is there hope for us?
Can we make it out alive?
I can taste the failure on your lips

We'll play this symphony of sympathy
I won't give up on you

Editing myself

At work we are preparing for inventory.  I am part of the "blitz" team.  We go though the store and scan every single fucking thing in the store to make sure it scans.  My initial thoughts were why the hell it aint checked at the damn door? So my day started early, 6 am to avoid as many customers as possible.  The store is strangley still and quiet except for the muzak you ever listen to the words?  Shits kinda deep softly playing in the background I wonder how much money they'd save turning this shit off at closing?  We have scanner guns to let us know whats scanning in our system and whats not.  It beeps every time you get a good scan.  Beep beep beep is all you hear through the store.  Its mindless for the most part so I allow my thoughts to wander off to where it wants.

How the hell I end up with the wall of jeans?  Shits above my head and so neat.  Little chit chat about our days, the dread of inventory.  Beep beep.  Keep the jeans nice and neat, don't mess them up...aw fuck it.  Time seems to fly by, coworkers start to arrive.

Coworker "Hey hey all those jeans scan!!!"
"Yea I see that but it would of been nice to know before I started"
"Oh my goodness they were so neat"
"They still are!" BITCH
"NO they aren't" Sad face
Yea I know they is fucked up now huh? "Im just here to make sure they scan" skank
"Well who's going to refold them now?"
uh...you dumb ass "I'm the blitz team, I'm just here to make sure things scan, Ive done my job, now you can do yours"
"Dont worry about it just dont worry bout it"
bitch do I look concerned at all? "Ok!"

Beep beep beep

Stores opening, worst time of day here come the mindless shopper with their dumb ass questions

Dumb Customer "Excuse me, where is the ATM?"
under the big fucking letters that say ATM  dumbass!!!
"Right behind you ma'am"
"If it woulda been a snake it woulda bit me" wish we had deadly snakes in the store

They move infront me even though they seeing me working, behind me invading my space.  Beep beep.

DUMBER Customer "Can you tell me how much this costs?"
Are you forfuckingreal?? "The price is on there sir"
"Oh ok, just making sure its the right price, its 30% off right?"
I see the big ass sign, you MUST see it too "Yes sir"
"How much will that be?"
Do I look like a fuckin calculator??  "I'm not sure, they will tell you at the register"
Damn I hate people some days.

Beep beep

Thank goodness my day is almost half way done, coming in early means leaving early.


Manager "We need your help in electronics"
Muthafucka "I'm blitz team today"
"Well, we need you over there"
Gatdamn it "yes sir, what do you need me to do?"
"Check the connections to Barber/Beauty, they are getting picture but no sound"
I guess I'm the only one here today that can trouble shoot shit I aint paid for huh?
"Here's the plug sir lazy ass, Im not sure nor do I really give a damn how it came out, call and see if they have sound now"
"Yep they are good to go, thanks"
"You're not fucking welcome! Be sure to tell them next time they fuckin'  mess up my sons hair they gonna lose sound again. My baby's hair line aint come in straight yet, fuckers.


My day finally ended, the coworker whined to the managers who chastised me.  Miscounted some shit got chastised again.  Wide eyed "I'm sorry I did what? Didn't mean to..." for the male managers.  Make the females ones laugh about my fuck ups, its all good at the end of the day, then theres always tomorrow.  I'm dusting off my resume.

To me..

..true love is the sweetest thing in life.  Thats why we're all either in love or looking for love.  Sometimes you have to work for it, especially when life gets in the way.  But I believe true, deep  love is always worth fighting for.

1.19.10

Write daily. My day yesterday.

I woke up this morning and my left eye was stinging.  Im used to fucked up contact lenses so I went about my day.  Got to work and my eye really start stinging!  It hurt so badly I had to pull it out (the contact lens).  I think I can be considered legally blind because I cant even see the big ass E on the top of the eye chart.  So needless to say my equilibrium was thrown the fuck off, half damn blind and all.  I tried my best to stay to the right.  Lucky for me it was a slow day.  Through the course of the day my eye got worse, it was throbbing and gave me a headache. I had to keep a piece of tissue paper under my eye to stop the tears.  Through out the day coworkers would ask me "whats wrong?", "why you crying", lied to some, but mostly let everyone know my eyeball was bout to fall the fuck out.  Went home early and found the darkest quietest room in the house and slept til bed time only to wake up yell at a kid or two for not folding they damn clothes and went back to bed.  My eye still stings a little, I really need to stop letting my flat nose insecurities keep me from wearing glasses.  Damn Filipino blood.

Letting go...holding on

Criticism, lack of money, lack of “know-how,” and the onset of “reality” after high school and college are all often the most common excuses people give for leaving their dreams to be unfulfilled.
Some let naysayers and nondoers tell them to “get real” or call their dreams and desire to pursue them “crazy” and “stupid.”

Others make up a boundary between them and their dreams because they think they don’t have enough money or knowledge.

And then most fall victim to the predetermined destiny that society establishes for all of us. That we need to get a degree, get a job, find a husband or wife, “settle down” and to basically give up, and be happy doing something we may despise.

Letting go of dreams may be a little difficult at first but also relieving. You don’t have to put yourself out there anymore, you don’t have to listen to the naysayers, no risking it, and no more hard work. It might seem like Easy Street.

Settling down may be nice for a few years or even a few decades for some. But after awhile something happens…

No matter how far you bury your unfulfilled dreams in the ground, no matter how much dirt you throw on top of them, they rise from the dead and claw their way above ground like zombies.

By the time they reach the surface, they’re full of vengeance and thirsty, thirsty for blood.

They’re after you. They want you and they need you.

They’re going to haunt you to the end.

Every year the ball drops on New Year’s Eve your unfulfilled dreams come flooding back to your memory.
When you lose a loved one, you think of how short life is and your dreams come back hoping for you to achieve them.

The days when you don’t feel like getting out of bed to go to work, your dreams come crawling back, carrying the “what if’s?” and the “shouldas, wouldas, and couldas.”

The longer you wait, the louder and more vicious your unfulfilled dreams will become. They eat away at your mind, your soul, and your heart. They stalk you and are there at every turn in life asking you “what if?” and force you to ponder about what could have been, what you should have done, and what you could do if you could go back in time.

Your unfulfilled dreams won’t be unforgiving, not even when you’re on your death bed. They’re not giving up on you for giving up on them. They’re getting their revenge.

To prevent yourself from becoming haunted by your unfulfilled dreams, you already know what to do. Turn dreams into goals. Don’t wait. Don’t contrive excuses for yourself. Use the words of naysayers against them to prove them wrong. Work hard. And don’t settle for anything less than your best.